We talk a lot about things we deserve or have worked for in life. Can we please just admit that it’s not all just hard work and effort? 

I was pretty competitive as a kid and honestly, looking back, I kind of wish I got to just enjoy having fun and being a fucking kid instead of always trying to win. I hated that my friends and I were always competing for grades and that it was undervalued that in addition to being on the First Class Honour roll while being a year ahead in Math and Science and taking university level advanced English classes, I rode 3-4 days a week, had a job since I was 11, was on the dance team, took part in a couple of high school plays, did a lot of public speaking while still having a social life and I thought ALL of those things were important, but somehow because I wasn’t #1 at all of them all at the same time, I felt like I was failing at life before life even started. I always did well at the things I committed to, but why should I have ever been satisfied with 2nd or 3rd place when if only I tried harder I could have been the best? Other times I got accused of cheating because I shouldn’t have been capable of doing so well. Eventually I just got good at taking tests and getting good enough grades, not at learning or challenging myself. Everyone always thought I should put more effort into what was important to them. What about being well rounded and figuring out what you like as a child? What about not making mistakes or failure terrible and looking at them as learning opportunities? What about taking skills you learn in one aspect of life and applying them to other things? What we actually learn in school doesn’t actually prepare us for life at all and going to a more prestigious school doesn’t make us better than someone else. How about accepting that we have certain talents and we won’t ever be great at other things and that it is more rewarding to find the things we are naturally good at than to struggle, but we can only figure this out through trial and error? Yes, even when we’re good at something, it requires a lot of time and effort to get better, but we have a certain affinity for some things and not others. If we decide we like something and put effort into only that we may never find other things we love even more that maybe come more easily.

Life doesn’t always have to be a struggle, but we learn from a young age that we have to try to be the best at all the things we do instead of admitting that it is ok to suck at some things. No one wants to hear me sing or see me draw or eat my cooking and that is ok, I can put time and energy into my strengths and let others be amazing at those things, there are other things I’m pretty damn good at and I work on those, but you have to fail at some stuff to know what you’re good at. The career I ended up in, I was just naturally pretty good at. Yes, I went to the best school I could find and I did study hard, but I also had innately good rhythm and feel, was strong and horses liked me without any effort on my part so equine massage came easily.

Trying so hard to be number one at all the things makes it really hard to enjoy life. It’s why as adults we have a hard time working together and sharing resources and being happy for other people’s success and respecting other people’s time as being as valuable as our own. It’s why some super rich people are also greedy AF – because life is a competition and if they have the biggest of everything and the most money in the bank they think they are winning at life, not realizing that as long as they are missing out on connection, they can’t be happy. It’s why so many people who are good at things expect stuff for free as though they are somehow more worthy. It’s why we are always chasing more and undervaluing the people and experiences right in front of us for fear of missing out, for fear of not having an Instagram worthy moment instead of just enjoying the damn moment or getting a ring big enough to show off in a Facebook post instead of figuring out if the feelings behind it are actually real. We live life like a popularity contest, judging our success by likes and the images we project and saying what the status quo agrees with instead of being brave enough to speak up for ourselves and those who don’t have a voice.

We talk about how winning is about effort when that isn’t entirely true. It didn’t matter how well I rode the amazing little Arab I showed for a while, I was never going to consistently beat one of the kids on a fancy Warmblood schoolmaster. I wish I had appreciated him more as a kid instead of hoping for a fancier horse to ride, because I have never had that kind of connection or so much fun with any other horse, but he was never going to have huge extensions. I kept looking for that connection in a fancier package and it just led to a lifetime of disappointment because clicking well can’t be forced no matter how hard we try.

Being competitive is why we don’t see our privilege when we’re doing well, because how far we’ve come or effort is not actually recognized, it’s only where we end up that counts. A lot of people who have worked very little for where they are in life think they are better than others and give themselves credit for their choices and efforts when they did, in fact, just have to fucking show up a lot of the time. It’s not a bad thing either! It’s amazing to have great opportunities in life, but let’s own them and be honest about them. Most of us didn’t make it to where we are entirely on our own. There was some help along the way, even if it was just someone believing in us when we didn’t or offering us a place to stay when the bottom fell out or taking a day off work to help us move when things didn’t work out as planned or recognizing a job well done with a thoughtful note or card. Those people who do things so generously for us out of the limelight of social media make a huge difference in how we perceive ourselves, which is half the battle in life. Those things make the biggest differences in the lives of people, but they also require recognizing the worth in others.

Being competitive is why it’s easy to point fingers at addicts and those with mental health issues and the homeless, who often deal with both, instead of having some fucking empathy and gratitude for not having to walk a mile in their shoes. I’ve talked to many educated, articulate, generous and kind homeless people who used to have nice homes and nice cars and some actually work right now and still don’t have a roof over their head. I can’t even imagine how hard it is just to show up looking presentable at work every day when you don’t have a home. I’m also saddened at how many of them are exceptionally grateful because I treat them like they are human, even though I feel like I could do much better most of the time. It’s easier to believe that it was their choices that lead down that path than to imagine that any of us could be them given some unfortunate circumstances, or to recognize that we all struggle with some addictions on some level, but we’re lucky that ours are just socially acceptable or allow us to function. Looking back, I have struggled with a few myself and still occasionally do when life is hard. When I was feeling disconnected and addressed that, they went away without any effort. I haven’t changed any of them because I am so disciplined or a better person, just because my environment and the people in it allowed me to heal some deep emotional wounds and my mindset and level of happiness have increased.  I am grateful that somehow I was able to recognize that I needed change and that others gently nudged me in the right direction when I couldn’t find my way.

We think we are accepting of everyone now and that there is equality in our corner of the world, but society still sees certain people as better than others. We aren’t aware of it because we compare ourselves to parts of the world that are more hateful and to how things used to be here and pat ourselves on the back for being the best, instead of being aware that even when you’re doing well at something, there is always room for improvement. I was a poor blonde Polish girl with big tits who lived in Surrey taking science classes at UBC and I can say for sure that it was made very clear to me on many occasions that I didn’t belong there or that it was a shock that I even got in. Somehow I was self aware enough to recognize that I would be miserable trying to prove myself to people who would never take me seriously and changed paths, but I still didn’t understand that I wasn’t really going into a field where very many people would make me feel worthy and like I belonged, just one where it would be less obvious.

Since I always felt like I was trying to catch up to those around me, I believed that I had to go through life struggling and work my ass off and compete with everyone just to have value. I put up with toxic jobs, toxic friends, toxic relationships, toxic hobbies, toxic work environments, impossible work schedules, put myself through physical and mental stress all because I was taught I wasn’t good enough to deserve more or to just enjoy life because I wasn’t the best at every little thing… and then later, I got asked why I would ever put up with being treated terribly, as though it was my fault that I had low self esteem after a lifetime of being told I didn’t deserve to be more.

I have had what looked like a dream relationship, and a dream career and the discipline to work out and diet and got praised for my strong body and dedication, yet I was miserable because I never got to just fucking enjoy life at all and scared to admit it or lose any of it because I knew I would be seen as less valuable. I never wanted those things. It was what people and society projected on me and what was expected of me and I got tired of always disappointing everyone so I just worked more and tried harder to fake it and thought I was insane because everyone told me I looked happy and like I had ‘made it’ when I felt like I was drowning.

I have lived a lifetime in a world that people have told me is inherently unfair and got made fun of for questioning why we make it that way.

I am a lot less competitive now and far happier. I have formed some really meaningful relationships (business and personal) with people who are supportive of each other and want all of us to succeed instead of trying to step on others along the way. I love hearing about people’s dreams and trips and projects and successes and am so excited for all of them. I don’t ever feel like I am missing out because I do things I like and spend time with people who add value to my life… not by helping me get ahead or making me look better, but by listening, being emotionally supportive, making me laugh, inspiring me, challenging me and my views of the world, teaching me, having meaningful conversations with me, pushing my boundaries, or being completely fucking ridiculous with me and, above all else, not pretending to be anything they are not and being completely honest with me even when it’s hard for me to hear. I also love spending time by myself now that I am not miserable. I appreciate the amazing people and opportunities in my life and I realize that some of them have nothing to do with how hard I worked or whether I am a good person, but with privilege and a good dose of luck, some talent and having people in my life who cared enough for me to help me out to the best of their ability when I needed it. I don’t strive to be the best anymore. I strive to be happy, relaxed, in the moment and to be authentically myself now. I don’t strive to be perfect. I strive to be patient, kind and generous and giving and to admit when I fuck up because I am human and make effort not to do it again. I never want to stop learning from every opportunity and every person I encounter and growing and evolving. I love myself, along with every single flaw and I also appreciate all the authentic people who showed me that it’s beautiful to just be myself. I don’t need to try to impress anyone else, those who matter appreciate me just the way I am.