The frustration of working hard on relationships

I hear this a lot, relationships are too hard.  I’m giving up. I too have experienced this in my life as well.  What I notice is that frustration happens when we don’t feel like we are getting anywhere.  We feel like we are banging our heads on a concrete wall. It isn’t because we don’t care, it’s because we do care!

We are just working too hard on the wrong thing.  We don’t seem to have an option in our heads in another direction. We are stuck on default.  Our programming is off and the trench is too deep we can’t seem to change pathways. We can’t see above the trench.  

We all do it! We do! We are so wired in one direction due to our programming.  We are just like computers running on default until we are re-programmed. Until we are shown a different way, a different direction.  

We want to give up because we are giving our all to the person, the relationship, our actions, our intention, our desire. We are working hard at it.   We subconsciously keep thinking we’ll get a different outcome if we work harder! We often fail at that.

If we only know one way to do a relationship when it doesn’t work out we just chalk it up to the other person, ourselves or incompatibility and we don’t look at it close to see there might be another reason. We are doing relationships the same only with a different person or in some cases the same person.

We get frustrated with relationships, with dating, with the gender we are attracted to.  

What if it isn’t any of that. What if it is just that we are working hard on the wrong area, the wrong behavior or the wrong person.  What if we had whole new programming?

What if we focused on what works!  

I notice this a lot with myself when parenting.  I have to do what works and often that means not the way the new age community believes it should be done or one book says it should be done.  I have to be pragmatic. Do what works! I find myself trying to do it the way they say it should be done instead of doing what works.

Keep in mind, I’m not suggesting using what works if violence and abuse is what you find works. I’m not suggesting demeaning or hurtful ways that might work. Aside from that, what ways can you redirect yourself into a new direction in relationships?

What if we understood what needs to be done and look at it from the perspective of the other person and we don’t jump into the emotional pot and see it in a logical way.  What if we were seeing it from the perspective of another person not involved in the situation. We’d see it more clearly, right?

We give up when something isn’t showing signs of moving forward in the direction we want it to go.  We give up digging a hole when we might find it more helpful to building the dirt up.

We give up when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  When we don’t understand. Of course, it is too hard, we are doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  Even if those results are an internal payoff we aren’t aware of.

Giving up is an option and one that I often celebrate with the men and women I’m coaching.  You want to give up on men, wonderful! Let’s celebrate! Give up on women, awesome! What’s next in your life?

Giving up when we are working too hard on the wrong way, the wrong solution, wrong behavior,  the wrong direction can be the very thing that brings to light what will work. Taking a break!

Look at what you are really giving up on.  Is it the relationship, the gender, the dream of love and commitment? Or is it really the belief system, the action that isn’t showing signs of moving in the direction you want.  Possibly it’s your beliefs that need giving up on and more so than the outer world.

In my experience, it’s only when we’ve had enough of the wrong thing that we are willing to get down in there and be real about what the right thing is.  

This is why the cliche’  let it be and it will come to you is so true.  Letting go of the wrong way that won’t get you where you’re trying to go so you can get on the one that will get you where you want to go.

We can stop it from being hard when we are willing to stop beating our heads on the wall.  Only then can true freedom come. We just have to be willing to open up and allow easier and more satisfying to show up.  

Photo by David Mazeau on Unsplash