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A post shared by Stephanie Arnold (@stepharnold37) on May 12, 2019 at 11:19am PDT

Forget the rules.

There are so many dating books, self-help recipes, and life coaches telling us how to date and “hook” the love of our lives. But let me ask you one question, “If you need to play a dating game in order to get that special person, is the relationship based on who plays the game better or real love?”

I’ve dated a lot. I played a lot of games. I knew not to call first and not to sound desperate. I stayed busy and had other priorities. If “he was just not that into me,” I didn’t care. There was always another man with whom to play the game.

Fast forward.

To this day, when my husband walks into a crowded room to find me, I still feel lucky. He continues to take my breath away. This is the love I have always dreamed about, but I never believed it could happen in real life, not to me.

I have friends tell me this kind of love is so rare, I have family who are nauseated by the public displays of affection, and I have strangers coming up to ask if we are newlyweds.

Here is the thing, I did not play a game when I met my husband. In fact, I did everything wrong according to those dating books. I told him what would hurt me. I showed him all the “skeletons” in my closet. I told him how many people I’d slept with and their names. (I know! What was I thinking?) I gave him a road map to how I worked and what I needed to feel secure and loved. I showed him my vulnerable places and explained if he said “X” this could trigger “Y.”

Turns out, when my heart felt that this was who she wanted, she did not want to “catch” this love by playing games. Why would I want the typical relationship I had had for years (which never worked out), when I could have one great love?

If the person is truly your soulmate, you cannot do anything to drive them away. I did everything wrong in the courtship with my husband according to “the rules.” But for the sake of the greatest love of my life, I did everything right.

Do not listen to anyone else’s plan for your heart. Ask your soul what it wants, and when you feel like you have found your mate, do what feels right for you. Stop asking your friends and family what they think. Stop reading what someone else thinks you should do. You know what your intuition is telling you about your heart. You know when it is not right for you, and when it is, you know the best.

And by the way, if you show too much and they are not ready for it, guess what? That’s amazing because it means you are closer to finding the right person.

You being vulnerable and allowing your love to accept you, bruises and all, will only lead to more vulnerability. You will accept each other in the same way—no games, all heart.

I had been through so many missed-takes in my relationships that my parents thought I would never find the one. But they didn’t really focus on that, they just prayed I wouldn’t be single for the rest of my life. They hoped I would find a partner. Maybe someone with whom I would have kids and have a great friendship. I told them once, “When the right one comes along, I will just show up to your home married.”

They laughed.

Years later, that is exactly what I did.

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