I was reminded recently why I have tried very hard not to look cute or overly feminine for so many years… it’s because people often use it as an insult and way to reduce and infantilize those of us perceived that way, and it isn’t just men who do it. Over the years I have been referred to as ‘kiddo’ by insecure men and women who tried to remind me that I couldn’t be taken seriously, at the most inappropriate times… last time it happened, I was over 30. It made me feel like I had to act more serious and grown up and less emotional. I was really tired of being so strong and tough all the time though, and interestingly enough, under certain circumstances, I used to have a hard time standing up for myself. It was as though after being in a slightly aggressive state, when caught off guard, I was too shocked to be able to stand up for myself. In many situations, I was basically on the offensive all the time. I guess I had been surrounded by people who dismissed my feelings for so long, that I had a very hard time voicing them and didn’t want to be seen as hysterical. The truth is, when we are struggling emotionally and have been conditioned to be so strong, the scariest thing is to voice those feelings and have them dismissed. It was easier in those moments to keep them in

So, I did my best to look unapproachable. I adapted a great resting bitch face and wore it proudly. I dressed in serious grown up clothes, including mostly pants. I wore high heels to look taller if I did wear a dress… and said dress would be boring and conservative or maybe sexy, but never girly or pretty. I always looked like I walked with purpose. I swung around very heavy kettle bells and did extreme cardio up many stairs. I was loud, fiercely competitive, insensitive and often angry. After all, that is the only socially acceptable emotion we are allowed to show, even though it leaves us stuck and unable to process and grow and move past whatever we are angry about. Ironically it is often the lack of sensitivity in the world that upset us in the first place, that we then begin to embody. All this had an interesting effect. I did get taken more seriously by some people… and I did become less approachable, except to those who I wanted to approach me least. They are the men who enjoy controlling women and making us uncomfortable, putting us down when we start to feel insecure, some in much more subtle ways than others.

It had been brought to my attention, not that long ago, that I had been acting and dressing a lot tougher than I was. It was actually really hard to hear at first… probably because I took it as an insult, not realizing it was actually a huge compliment. Eventually it gave me permission to take a breath and relax and peel away the layers of armour I had so carefully put in place.

I had started following in a partner dance, which was very, very hard for someone who had fought to be in control all the time. I started playing around with different clothes, including more skirts and dresses, brighter colors and even prints including florals over time, they felt really good, even though it was uncomfortable at first. I stopped wearing heels, instead opting for cute flats. We can be feminine and still able to walk comfortably. I started wearing my hair down and make up on a regular basis. Sometimes I’d even wear pink lipstick. Then I made the leap into bangs. Full on cuteness was embraced, as scary as it was.

In the last couple of years I have done a lot of exploring in many different ways and one scene I had become familiar with was the fetish scene. I have a friend who makes amazing fetish wear and we often went to events together. I also found it empowering to sometimes go to these events solo, wear really out there outfits and dance for a few hours all by myself. These events provide a sex positive, non judgmental and consent oriented environment. Some people just like wearing sexy outfits to dance in, while for others it is a lifestyle. I don’t go often these days, but do enjoy a visit once or twice a year.

A couple of weeks ago I went to one such party. Instead of wearing the typical 5 inch heels, corset and all black one would usually don, I decided to wear something I was now more comfortable in. I went with sparkly pink sneakers and then wore my new pink bralette and a pretty harness overtop, a short skirt and fishnets. A little fetish touch, kind of cute and pretty with comfy shoes for dancing! I felt so comfortable all night and had way more fun dancing, even though I had to look up to everyone I spoke with.

For anyone who has never been to a fetish event, they are extremely big on consent, in theory. Like anywhere, there are always some people who like to push boundaries without technically breaking any rules. Pushing boundaries is a great thing when done respectfully and for the right reasons. We can’t grow and learn if no one ever pushes our boundaries at all, but this should always be done by those who have our best interest at heart. Seeing how much of an asshole one can get away with being is not a respectful way to push boundaries. It’s a shitty control tactic. There are definitely men who like to prey on women’s insecurities and see just how far they can push our boundaries and unfortunately they sneak their way into all kinds of environments.

A man who I have never pretended to like came over and told me how cute I looked, in an obnoxious baby voice while pointing down at me. I told him that I thought so too and smiled, knowing very well that he was hoping for a more negative reaction. It’s that moment of discomfort that satisfies someone like him. It’s how insecure men try to exert control over women they perceive as weak, and I guess with my short stature and pink outfit, I must have looked weak to him. He went on to say it again and tried to pinch my cheek this time around. Still smiling, I pushed his hand away as I firmly told him that if he tried to touch me again there would be serious consequences. I didn’t get visibly upset or angry (because I didn’t need to give him that satisfaction). I didn’t have to make a scene or raise my voice. He turned on his heels and I rejoined the conversation I was having with my friends. I decided right then and there that I was never going to let situations like this affect how I dressed or acted again. It wasn’t worth it to change who I was just to deter assholes any longer, but I also wasn’t going to let them push me around.

After that night I read about how our Yin and Yang (feminine and masculine energies) should ideally be in balance. We all posses both energies, and according to Baha’i teachings, our souls have no gender or sex, only our minds and bodies do. This is a very interesting concept. Obviously there are differences between men and women, but apparently on a deeper level, we may be more similar than we like to believe. Currently our collective balance has swung very far into the masculine though and so many of us women have taken on more of those qualities to keep up. I was really fascinated to read that as we embrace our feminine side – the loving, nurturing, empathetic, creative, collaborative and emotional side, that restoring this balance allows our masculine side to actually flourish as well. This means we are better able to take care of ourselves and others. We become more patient, logical, confident, assertive and determined. It is interesting that since I have brought out my feminine side, I have actually become able to stand up for myself much more easily when needed, without having to resort to anger. It is actually far more effective, less draining and allows me to move on faster. We can be both. We can be cute and pretty and feisty, if we want to. It doesn’t make us any weaker, it actually makes us far more powerful.