The greater the expectation – the greater disappointment? Maybe.

Several times did I come across a statement that happiness is reality, without expectations. That is to say – If you expect less and accept reality as it is, you’ll be happier. The experienced ones may agree with this rational statement, while remembering situations where their high expectations made them taste the bitter taste of disappointment. Many times, when reality pierces a hole in the utopian fantasy, frustration can indeed arise. And when it happens together with the understanding that we are solely responsible for this frustration, there may also be self-criticism.

A long-awaited vacation and the expectation to enjoy many treats, a new desirable role and the expectation of self-realization, first date with someone who already match the check list and expecting an unforgettable love story… There are countless sources for the development of expectations, and consequently – endless possibilities to experience great disappointment, despair, criticize ourselves for that, and so on.

The automaticity of expectations

Nevertheless, the natural tendency to high expectations shows that we all have this optimistic mechanism that is quick to act as soon as a potential for positive development sprouts up in various situations. Therefore, if we recognize and accept the existence of this automatic mechanism, we may understand that the self-entreaties to lower our expectations, and the calls from external factors to do the same, are ultimately a waste of energy.

Moreover, we can try to replace the self-criticism of the disappointment that might follow our high expectations, with forgiveness and resignation. After all, we are all human beings who just want to turn their lemons into the best lemonade possible.

In fact, as long as reality gives us opportunities, the mechanism for developing expectations will continue to operate with full vigour.

High expectations are inevitable, so there is no reason to deny them. In many cases, expectation is even important and can be a driving force acting as a self-fulfilling prophecy. When an expectation is formed with clear visions and feelings of excitement and joy, it can direct our senses to identify the things that correspond with it. This way, it can encourage us to take actions that might increase the chances of achieving it.

The bright side of disappointment

However, in cases where reality brings us to disappointment, we can still see the actual course of events as an opportunity for learning. The recognition of our limited control and consideration of expectation as a compass, create a space in which there may be developments that may transcend expectations. Alternatively, it can set us in front of a challenging reality that will encourage mental strength and growth.

The vacation that eventually turned into a journey between obstacles, will perhaps improve appreciation of smaller moments of joy. The new job, which turned out to be exhausting, combined with unpleasant interactions with competitive colleagues, may encourage the thickening of skin. The first date that ended with the explosion of hope to find the knight might lead to the understanding of a better fit in the future.

Disappointments always have potential for growth. Therefore, instead of looking at the expectation-disappointment periodicity as a no-exit circle, one can see this circular motion as a spiral. Thus, as we progress and adjust inwards, we can become more precise about our expectations, on the one hand, and leave room to learn from the unmanageable on the other. Then, perhaps, it will be possible to rephrase the rational statement of happiness, to legitimize our high expectations, strengthen their connection to reality and not to be frightened when it disappoints us.