There comes a point in your life where you have to stop and take a look at yourself. You have to really step back and observe all that you are, all that you’ve accomplished and who you surround yourself with. My mother always told me, “If you want to know who you are, take a look at your friends.” Who do you surround yourself with? Who do you vent to and take advice from? Who do you admire? Is the story they portray about their life true? Who in your immediate circle has your back no matter the circumstance (even if they disagree with you)? Who is the person in your life that is willing to risk your relationship in order to tell you the truth about yourself? Who’s willing to tell you that you’re wrong? Who loves all your broken pieces and is willing to hold you when you can’t hold yourself together?

I AM that friend. But, I come with a disclaimer. I am willing to tell you the truth. I am willing to tell you what everyone else may be thinking but won’t say. I am willing to help you get to the heart of the matter. I am willing to help you see a different perspective. I am willing to help empower you in that moment, no matter what you are going through. I am willing to tell you the truth to your face, no matter how hard the truth may be to hear. I am willing to take the blow – of you getting upset with me or disagreeing with me. I am willing to hold you through slaying your own inner demons. I am willing to help you find ways to heal all your broken pieces. I am willing … but … are YOU willing to HEAR?

Are you ready to LISTEN?

My experience with tumultuous relationships has given me the gift of observing the contrast of what love truly is. I have had people say THE WORSE things imaginable to me in an effort to break my spirit. I have been broken many many times. My love is BIG, so when I love it’s all in. What that means is that I love you unconditionally. I love you no matter how you show up. It means that I will love you on the days you have no love for yourself. It means I see you. I see your pain. I feel it and can sympathize with it because I’ve been there too. I know you’re hurting, so you want to say and do hurtful things. I know I matter to you, even though you act like I don’t. I hear the words coming out of your mouth but I also hear that little boy or girl inside of you that’s crying for love, real true love. I also hear what you’re not saying. I listen to the silence and the tears.

I have danced with darkness long enough to learn its moves. I have held people’s deepest darkest secrets. I have protected people’s true identities to save others from suffering their wrath. I have walked through my fears so many times to find nothing on the other side. NOTHING. My fears were all created in my head or put there by someone else. So I am able to walk you through yours. To tell you that you are lying to yourself. To help you rewrite a better story in your head. One that serves you better, that illuminates your greatness. All because I did it. So I know it’s possible. I also know it’s really REALLY hard to do. It’s very easy to fall into the pit of despair, beat yourself up, be your own worst critic, magnify all your flaws and feel depressed, pitiful, unlovable, angry, and lost. Once you go down that spiral and repeat those stories over and over again, it is extremely hard to pull yourself out. It’s hard to show ourselves forgiveness, compassion, love and trust that we can see ourselves through it. We rely on others for help – to vent, to uplift, to care for us, or to dump all our shit on. Most of the time, when we are in a dark place we focus on blame, shame, guilt, anger, resentment and anything else we can think of to make our issues someone else’s fault or responsibility. We expect others to do for us what we can’t figure out how to do for ourselves. We have no clue what to do with all these emotions we are feeling. So I’m here to tell you…

OWN IT

Take a good hard look at your darkness and OWN IT. Observe it. Take the time to figure out where it stems from. Why do you believe it? Does it serve you, your life, who you are trying to be, who you want to BE? Is the story behind it true? What’s the other person’s perspective on the issue? Is their story true? Can I relate or understand their side of the story? Why is this hard for you? What makes it so difficult? Look at it from all angles and try to interpret it from an outside perspective. What’s the REAL truth? What’s hiding behind all those emotions and words and stories? What’s the motivation or agenda behind it all? What’s the outcome you wish to see? What’s your purpose or intention in this situation? Most importantly…

Where’s the LOVE?

I am here to tell you that you MATTER, you are WORTHY, you are DESERVING of everything your heart desires. I hear you. I see you. You are safe and you are loved. I got you, no matter what. The only expectation I have of you is to “be gentle with yourself”. Take a moment with yourself and just breathe. Sit with your emotions and really feel your feelings. Scream, cry, punch a pillow, run, jump, dance, walk, laugh, sleep, or do whatever you can to release that energy, shift it in your body. Then take a moment to listen and sit with your heart. Ask yourself where does your heart lie? What do you desire? What is the most forgiving thing you can say or do? What action can you take that will heal the situation?

What is the most unapologetic TRUTH?

We all have tragedies and traumatic events in our lives. We’ve all experienced tumultuous toxic relationships that resulted in pain and suffering. We’ve all loved and lost people. We’ve all lied and been lied to. We are all guilty of bad behavior, bad thoughts, ill intentions, and misguided agendas. We are all guilty of criticism and judgement of other people. And we all don’t like it when it’s done to us. Can we forgive the people that caused us harm? Can we forgive the people that betrayed us? Can we forgive everyone that’s ever made us cry? Can we forgive the people that made our lives more difficult than it had to be? The truth is we all play different parts in each other’s lives. Sometimes we are the victim and other times we are the perpetrator. It all depends on who’s perspective we are looking at. Everyone has their reasons for causing harm. We all justify our actions. It all comes down to this question….

Is it LOVE or WAR you’re after?

This warrior has fought enough battles to tell you that with every victory there is defeat. I have been in countless disagreements with people trying to proclaim that their intention was love. I have stood there cutting through the bullshit to show them that their ill intentions of “love” where really projections of their pain. The people that claim to love me the most, are the ones that have caused me the greatest pain. I stood there accepting them for who they were and tolerating bad behavior. I drew boundaries in a way that showed them compassion and forgiveness whether they deserved it or not. I handed back their projections of pain with unbullshitified truth. I refused to be a victim of their pain and suffering. I treated them the way I wished they treated me, to show them the way. I took all their pain inside of me and worked hard to heal it within me, so that I may project that healing energy toward them.

THAT WAS SO FUCKING HARD TO DO!

Sometimes I had to step away for a while, distance myself enough to see the real truth behind it all, so that I could approach it better. When my new approach still didn’t work, I had to just give in to what they wanted. If they are unable to hear me, if they are unable to take responsibility for their part in the story, if they are unable to make the same effort that I am doing to heal the situation – then I let them WIN. Their victory is losing me. I will always love them, but some people are meant to be loved from afar because they are attached to their pain. They are unable to see past their suffering because they find comfort in their pain. It’s all they’ve ever known. I don’t feel sorry for them. I understand them. I live in pain every day. There is an underlying sorrow behind my strength. There is sadness hidden behind my smile. I shine bright with confidence, enthusiasm, humor and a genuine love like no other – all because I’ve been broken enough times to know that you’re not truly broken until you can love yourself through the pain. When you can break the chains that keep your heart imprisoned to past hurt and pain – you free yourself from your own misguided suffering. The broken always love the hardest because we are not afraid to be vulnerable. We are not afraid to love again.

LOVE is the only way to BE.

So how do we end the war? By taking the reins in your darkness. You cannot change your past but you can heal the past by looking at it differently. If you take the time to observe the situation with a more open mind, you will develop the skill of finding the lesson in the story. What did you learn from it? Did those people that were mean to you, make you so uncomfortable that you were forced to make a move? Did that move benefit you in the end? Would you have ever made the effort to change had it not been for that ugly situation? What about your past lover that betrayed you? After you were over the pain and hurt, did it empower you to make better choices and have higher standards? Did you find a better person that understood you better? Did you have a rough childhood? Did that experience make you who you are today – a strong and powerful force to be reckoned with? Our experiences shape who we are. We have the power and choice to change for the better every single day. We have to stop projecting our fears, doubts, insecurities, pain, trauma and expectations on the people we love the most. We have to learn how to embrace our inner demons and show ourselves the love we wish to see.

Your intentions are the key to your happiness.

Whenever I have taken action from my heart with true intention and purpose – the universe has always risen to meet me. Sadly the person it was intended for didn’t always rise to meet me. The universe always has to balance the scales – so someone else always rose in their place. I would receive a random message from a friend, family or former acquaintance telling me what I wished to hear from that person. That’s how I always knew my love was real and true – because it always came back to me. That’s also how I knew that person wasn’t ready to love me the way I deserved to be loved. It doesn’t make me love them less. It just shows me that they need to be loved more and that they have to find it within themselves. Pushing and forcing a love you know is there but the person isn’t ready for, will only push them further away. So I hold a space for them in my heart, hoping and praying they find healing within so that they can mend their broken pieces. So they can love me – just because and for no reason. You have to allow people to choose who they wish to be for you. It’s not about them choosing you. We all want to be wanted but LOVE isn’t genuine unless the person is willing to make the choice on their own. It’s the toughest lesson to learn.