I remembered how when I was a girl I wanted to be just like Xena when I grew up. Yet in my early 30’s my life was a far cry from the character who inspired me. Somehow she slowly seeped back into my subconcious on some level though, and I feel as though she has been influencing me in the last few years.

Growing up, it wasn’t easy to find women characters to look up to on TV. Not much has changed, we are in the midst of introducing a whole new generation of girls to Disney fairy tale characters instead of creating much more meaningful narratives. Back then it was also either the fairy tales or women so strong they were lacking in any feminine qualities. They had to be more manly than the men around them to be taken seriously, a trend that we see in life today. I certainly fell into that trap for quite a while, believing somehow that I had to be tougher, stronger (physically and mentally), less emotional, more detached and better in sciences than all the guys around me. I was praised for the more masculine traits I possessed and pushed into them by family, teachers and society. I tended to push back, but tired of fighting it, I decided to embrace them a few years ago. At first it seemed great, but it honestly became a trap. Every time someone praised me on how strong I looked, I felt more pressure to keep it up and repress any feminine qualities even more, which just didn’t feel authentic. Any time I expressed my feelings or saw someone hurt and spoke out about it, I was told I was just being too sensitive. I repressed the feelings so much, all I allowed myself to feel was anger and impatience, very traditionally masculine emotions. They feel motivating, but they don’t let us process and move through any pain, they keep us stuck and make us less and less sensitive to the suffering of others. If we can’t allow ourselves to be feminine, I would imagine the men in our lives often feel like they don’t quite measure up.

Every once in a while a reference to or a picture of Xena would pop up somewhere and eventually I realized how much I missed her. Yes, I missed a TV character from a campy show made in the 90’s. It says a lot about how few women there have been to admire on TV since then.

Sometimes I brought her up, but she got dismissed by those in my life at the time as some cheesy show, discrediting even those feelings.

There were many qualities that made Xena special to me. She had made mistakes in her past and owned up to them, showing us all that humans aren’t perfect, but that we have the capacity to change and improve and the importance of honesty with others and ourselves instead of putting on an image that looks good. She believed the world should be fair and made it her mission to make it that way. She never seemed to judge people based on anything besides their character. She valued friends and friendships with women when it has always felt like women have been encouraged to compete with each other. It was actually more meaningful to me that her and Gabrielle (a great character in her own right) never had a sexual relationship. It was beautiful to see two women love each other and not have love be automatically equated with sex. It seems these days that love is always confused with sex, when the truth is, there are many beautiful kinds of love and as special and unique as they are, sexual relationships are just one way to express love. Xena stood up for herself and those around her who needed help, but, more importantly, she empowered so many. We can’t help everyone or fix everything, it is foolish to think we can, but every person we empower, can do the same for others. Xena did have to fight, but physical altercations were a last resort. She was tough, but also smart, and didn’t take herself too seriously, while taking important matters seriously. There was often a sense of fun and play that was really refreshing, she didn’t have to try to be so grown up all the time. She was beautiful and feminine and empathetic – traits usually played down by powerful women, but she embraced them all. She listened to and learned from others, instead of always trying to teach them. We have forgotten the importance of learning through life experience. Having a certificate doesn’t automatically make someone an expert in a field, anyone can learn the right things to say, few can actually live it and embody it in an authentic way, out of the limelight of social media. Xena looked womanly, even though she was strong, which is something we, as women, seem to try to fight all the time. She was slightly soft and feminine and embraced her curves instead of feeling the pressure to completely change her body. She knew she was already beautiful and liked her body for what it allowed her to do. She didn’t just use it to fight, she danced and sang and stitched needlepoint. She wasn’t a one dimensional character in any way, shape or form, even though it would have been easy for her to be one.

She didn’t wait for a knight in shining armour, but she also didn’t hate men, in fact she seemed to love a few over the seasons. She didn’t change for any of them, although she did respect their opinion on certain matters. Ultimately she never settled down with any of the men in her life, after all, she didn’t need a man. She just wanted them for their company, nothing else. That is a beautiful thing I have learned lately, just how great it is to see those we love on our own terms without needing a single thing from them, just enjoying their company and how they make us feel. On some level we still equate love with ownership. Thinking ‘our’ people are somehow better, wanting to trap them into loving us somehow, make it an obligation, when it’s those who let us go and allow us to choose to come back to them on our own terms that truly love us most.

Xena was sexually liberated and wasn’t ashamed of her body or of the fact that she had sexual urges, something we seem to either try to hide entirely these days or feel like that has to be all we can be, even though in reality we are all sexual beings, but it is also not all we are. They were important parts of her, just like everything else. They didn’t define her, but without them she wouldn’t be the same. The show was revolutionary in many ways. Xena was one of the first white women to passionately kiss a black man onscreen, more than once, something that may seem small now, but I’m sure it changed our perception of the world a little, even subconsciously.

Ultimately, the tough warrior princess also found inner peace and the beauty in love. She was loving towards all people. She knew people could do terrible things, but she still chose to trust them until proven otherwise.

A year ago today a beautiful soul and good friend of mine Katerina Stavrakis, did a wonderful photo shoot for me. I had done a couple of photo shoots at that point, but the ones I have worked on with women have been very different. As much as we try to argue it, we are not the same as men. It doesn’t mean one gender is better than the other, the qualities compliment each other well. It just means that the traits that we have recognized as feminine, have become very seriously undervalued in our society, and we have been partly to blame. When making a choice on a photographer, we often look to the finished product and the price, discrediting the process entirely, when it is actually the most valuable part.

The men I have shot with are often thinking about the photos, asking their models to suck in their stomach or to position themselves towards them. They generally sit and want us to pose for them. They tend to love to photoshop. They’ll say, how even the super models get photoshopped, reminding us that even the most beautiful women on the planet don’t measure up to men’s standards, so what hope is there for us? I don’t think they truly believe it themselves, they’ve just been told that for so long, they have become fixated on it and we are there wanting a perfect photo, so they want to deliver. Sure, it may be a beautiful image, but when your breasts are a little bigger and perkier and stomach is a little smaller than in real life and your skin resembles plastic, it doesn’t feel genuine. It makes it much harder to love the reflection in the mirror knowing people think it should be improved and makes us want to tweak the body in ways the pictures have been tweaked. There is also a feeling of being there just for the male gaze, they tend to like to shoot women they find sexually attractive, even if they don’t come out and say it, although they usually sneak it in there somehow.

The women I have done photo shoots with have used natural light. They want to work with what they already have and know nature provides better light than anything we could try to manufacture. They tend to highlight our best features and make us feel like we are already beautiful. It’s kind of amazing the difference in how we feel afterwards. They also think outside the box, they try positioning themselves in different spots – up above, down below, shooting a reflection in the mirror and capturing our best sides without asking us to hide our flaws, they are there working and being creative instead of asking us to do the work. They give us tips, because they have been in our shoes and know what will look best on camera. Something else happens in these shoots. They capture us. They don’t see a model, they see a human and capture her essence on camera. They don’t really alter our bodies either. They do some editing to correct the lighting, but overall, the finished product is very similar to what the camera captures and the editing is minimal. They know how hard it is to have your body criticized as they have been in front of the camera themselves and they have the empathy not to do it, even if the end result is not as publically acclaimed of an image. They have learned as much from being a model in a shoot, as from the technical skills. They know that this person in front of them is more important than any photo and that being beautiful isn’t about physical perfection. That is what being a photographer is all about, after all. Seeing the subject in front of you and taking a creative photo of it and bringing out its beauty. A huge amount of the modern process in lighting, editing and photoshop is really just smoke and mirrors, not true photography.

In this shoot last year, I told Kat I wanted to feel like Xena. I didn’t get the exact costume or anything, I just wanted to capture that essence, get that feel. I only told a couple of people about this, but when I posted the picture, someone commented on how it gave them Xena Warrior Princess vibes and quite a few people liked that comment. Mission most definitely accomplished. I didn’t want people to see Xena, just to feel her. Kat created magic in many ways that day and I loved that she listened to me before imposing a plan and didn’t discredit my idea, giving me permission to feel a certain way. It’s strange, we don’t realise it, but we sometimes need permission from those around us to do certain things, embrace different sides of us, especially when those sides have been criticized before. It’s also a reminder to me to listen before speaking.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but playing Xena for the day, made me start behaving differently. I started standing up for myself and others and being more appreciative and giving, probably because I loved myself more. I have also embraced my feminine side and found inner peace and even a little spirituality, which I wasn’t sure was in me. There is even a nurturing side that has come out that has taken me by complete surprise and it’s been amazing to have the opportunity to see her emerge.

Perhaps the best tributes to our favourite characters who have really resonated with us isn’t dressing up like them on certain occasions, but being inspired to live more like them every day?