Disrespect and conflict are often signs of deeper issues that people are too afraid or incapable of hashing out. In order to handle conflict within the family, and within each member of the family, you must constantly check your perspective and consider your child’s or your parent’s point of view and intentions. Raising a growing child means allowing for change and growth within the relationship, which requires changing your perspective of your child every now and then. 

Respect can be a big deal in some households. To give some personal background, I come from a family of divorced parents that ended with a very polarized family. With my siblings and parents split, my family gave me exposure to two drastically different parenting styles- both with pretty opposite opinions on respect. Each family needs to find what works for them; my mom didn’t demand any respect or offer any structure or discipline and my older siblings flew off the rails in their child and young adult lives, my dad strictly and manipulatively demanded respect and discipline and my siblings grew resentful and left my dad. So, “respect” is something that needs to be handled delicately and respectively, because people’s emotions and relationships are on the line, and this should be something that each parent define individually with each child. With this token, it is important to consider what your grown child’s view is on parenting styles, how they should be treated and how they should treat you, and how to effectively plan to start a life for themselves. 

Define respect for yourself  in a way doesn’t stunt your child

What does it mean for your child to grow up?

Disrespect could be a sign of a grown child feeling the need to diverge from their parents, meaning they are growing up and forming their own opinions. Once a child reaches a certain age in adolescence, they can gain an understanding of how you raised them and the decisions you made in parenting. Conflict can occur when a child doesn’t agree or isn’t compatible with their parent’s parenting style. In this way, conflict can ideally lead to growth and progress within your child and in your relationship through reflection and change. Stop and think- why is my child disrespecting me? Is this a new issue or is it a continuation of old problems? Take this opportunity to work with your child and help them grow into an adult. 

Even though open and honest communication in the family can be difficult to attain, talking through these issues is how you redefine key factors and expectations when grown children disrespect. These types of conversations involve emotions and could bring up past issues and traumas that interfere with a truly effective discussion. It is important to negate this by calling out frustrating or damaging habits in each other, especially when children need to stand up to parents who abuse their power. Parents who are dysfunctional in their personal relationships and lives cannot control how that affects their children. A part of redefining respect among family relationships includes letting grown children have a voice in the household, especially when they are old enough to reason and have educated opinions. Here’s a resource for families who struggle with communication. 

If you are struggling with a grown child who is not treating you with respect, then ask yourself why you’re demanding respect! Let them express themselves and make mistakes, but balance that with open communication. Bottom line, that’s your child. You cannot run from who they are, and you must support them until they can support themselves. Those are two constants no matter how disrespectful your child is. So, from a grown child’s perspective, some advice for parents who are struggling with their children are :

1. Listen to Your Kid

Don’t assume you know how they feel or what they think, give them a chance to comfortably and honestly express their needs and wants as they start to become an adult.

2. Stop Trying to Control Your Kid

Giving your child control over their own lives is how they can start to become an adult and learn how the world works. Let your kid gain their own experience and worldview as they become an adult. 

3. Keep In Touch with Your Kid

Keep letting your kid know that you support them even when they’re on their own, and even when they’re not living life your way. You are still a huge part of their life and you should be there in case they need you. That responsibility never goes away. 

Navigating a growing family’s changing dynamics is something that even a healthy, functioning family can find challenging and difficult. There is no secret recipe for what makes a perfect family, but there are some basic goals that each family can have in mind when managing conflicts and handling personal relationships among family members. These basic goals or objectives should ideally be defined collectively among the family members. Each family is different, having unique dynamics, living situations, and with different types of people. Collaboration, understanding, and support are great pillars for starting to handle conflict within a household.