I eat really carefully and healthily. But every now and then the part of me that’s still a child – just wants to make those dreams that I had when I was a wee one come true.

Do you remember those dreams?

I remember one of mine was marvelling at how adults were tall enough to have the kitchen bench at waist height. They could get the food from the fridge and use a knife to cut it up, without needing the service of a chair from the Formica licked table and without having to ask for parental consent to handle pointy things.

“Oh the wonders I will procure with my tall and limber adult body when I finally have the bench at waist height. I will chop my foods into Batman shapes and make meals from luxurious things. Yes, yes I will make all of my exorbitant dreams come true. Mwahahahha.” I’d think to myself.

I was also excruciatingly excited about finally growing up and being able to drive a car. I would go where ever I wanted at any time of the day or night. Ice cream sundae at midnight? No problem. Adventure to the forest with an equally cheeky friend to listen to a mixtape we’d made. At 2am, just because we wanted to see how the harmonics of the bush sounded at night time? Standard behaviour. Surely.

Then there were clothes. My mum was very clear on how she wanted to dress me. Of course I fought her all the way. I would only wear a dress if it had satin on it – because I sucked my thumb to that silky and sensuously, delicate thread – clearly like an absolute boss. So of course I was going to be keen to have on an outfit that kept me connected to my drug of choice at that time 24/7 – 365.

But as my addiction to soft and silky fabrics to rub between my tiny fingers came to a close – I would fantasise. About how wild my outfits would be when I grew older. How I’d grow boobies and wear tops that showed them off. I used to push my nips together and try and gather the flesh around them into mounds that mimicked cleavage. I’d dream of wearing great big high heeled shoes and sparkly everything. I’d beat boys at soccer in my stilettos – just to show them what was really possible in life. To never give up on their dreams of greatness.

They too could win sports games balanced on shimmering stilts and make the other boys feel jealous about their natural born prowess.

I had a velvet hat when I was 10 years old. It  had gems sewn all over it. It made me feel like the baddest mfker on my 10 year old block. When ever I was naughty my mum would confiscate it from me, because she said that it was the hat that was making me misbehave. Like I was just channeling such a bad ass biarch, with my glowed up, make all the magpies jealous, hat. That it had to go when I was disrespecting her.

She was probably right about that one. I did have my vibe feeling so fresh and so clean clean with my bejazzled lid on.

Anyway back to the foods – another dream I would get intensely excited about was – “I’m going to eat whatever food I want at any time of the day – and nobody will be able to stop me!” Lollies at breakfast? Pass the sugar to top them with! Chips and burgers for brunch? Pass me nine pieces of cheese to go with it! A swimming pool filled with melted chocolate and a hat filled with crème brûlée? SIGN ME UP!

I fantasised about all sorts of wondrous adventures I would create with my fine and grown up adult form.

I also had a detective agency run from my seven year old bedroom, an obsession with putting on shows for anyone that would visit our house. A penchant for making videos, where I was a news reporter or an actor in a remake of an out and out classic of the time – such as Cinderella or Baywatch. I would also write prolifically. Stories, poetry and really deep letters and cards to the people I loved – telling them that I would love them in ‘”harmone”, that I was so sorry that such and such was a pain, but that I would love them always. And to “Jolly on Mum”. Actual quote.

I also used to read books, about animals that were going extinct and the Earth that was getting polluted and cry my eyes out. I’d think to myself that when I was grown up – I was going to use my creative magic powers to prevent that from happening. That when I was a grown up I would use my magic powers for good and not evil.

And now I’m an adult and after having chronic fatigue for five years – Where I struggled to do anything at all – now that I’m beginning to surface and reclaim my life – I realise how important it is to make all my childhood dreams come true. I want to have purpose but also I want to have heaps of fun living it. So I’m doing just that. Yes I’ve had to make some adjustments – learning about taking care of myself and that now that I’m older I don’t actually feel like eating crappy foods 24/7. But the love of doing something a little naughty, a little wild – ok a lot wild – once in awhile still stands. And of course I want to help make the world a better place. That part of me often yells the loudest.

But for now this morning my dreams were set on a relaxed and cheeky snack.

Enter breakfast this morning after a week of ultra clean eating: “Some people say you aren’t a dog – don’t reward yourself with food.” I say “Woof Woof!” Here’s to 2 x pieces of cheese and 2 x Japanese fruit mochis. Stop me now Martha Stewart – I’m on to something.

Feeling fancy. Feel satisfied.

Feeling free. Feeling like a lady.

Hey it’s my dream ok? You go on and live yours over there.

Peace be the journey.

I’m pretty sure that’s from the movie Cool Runnings – don’t quote me on that.