The word no triggers a range of emotions for so many people. It can be hard to say and equally hard to hear. Children are often punished for saying no. Saying no to certain foods, saying no to hugging or kissing a relative, saying no to chores… the list is long. Most kids go through a frustrating phase where they say no to absolutely everything even things they had previously liked and subsequently driving their parents crazy. As frustrating as this is it is in this phase of a child’s life that they develop their own power to decide. They are testing boundaries to see where they can and cannot push, how far their parents or caregivers will bend. It is a crucial part of development that stays with them for life. 

When I was a kid saying no was a problem, and I used the word a lot and it was met with a range of emotions from shouting to passive aggression to deep disappointed sighs. Whatever the reaction it made me stand my ground even stronger sometimes causing huge fights but underneath my stubbornness was always a deep feeling of guilt. I was labeled as a difficult child, psychiatrists wrote reports stating that I clearly did not like authority and for most of my teenage years I was a “problem.” These kinds of labels were very damaging. As a child and teenager we are in constant search for our identity, we have no clue who we are and for many this is a time of experimentation and exploration. For all the freedoms available in western culture it also lacks the traditional structure which offers a sense of belonging in many other cultures. We all have a deep need to fit in and belong to something, to be recognised and to be accepted. And so in my teenage confusion, I was told that I was difficult and so that became my identity. 

I prided myself on breaking rules but not getting caught, I sold cigarettes in school not only to make extra cash but also to prove that the teachers couldn’t control me. I got piercings and tattoos to prove that my parents couldn’t tell me what to do. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep I was fighting the powers that tried to control me, be it parents, teachers or even the government. I refused to be told what to do and if there was a rule I would be the first one to break it. 

On the flip side however, I had a deep desire to be liked, understood and accepted. I wanted to be part of something, I wanted to be loved, I wanted deep friendships but my rebellious, defensive and sometimes bolshy attitude scared people away. I was often told that I was unapproachable, that people were scared to talk to me and that I was arrogant. This shocked me because I felt none of those things. I thought I was nice to people, I thought I was kind and caring, yes I took no shit but arrogant? No way. The guilt that I always felt when someone was disappointed in me often stayed with me for days tormenting me. I would over think the situation, wondering if I should have reacted differently, if I would be more liked if I agreed with everyone and said yes more often. I was stuck between wanting to be liked and wanting to be independent. 

It took me years to realise I was embodying the masculine. I was fighting a battle head on, a battle that I didn’t need to fight. When my life fell apart after a narcissistic relationship, an eating disorder and losing most of my friends I became desperate to be liked, I tried to do all the right things, to follow the rules, not to step out of line and to do what I was told. It was here that I realised how pushy people can be. I tried to say yes to things thinking it would make me more likeable but instead people took advantage, I followed my parents advice only to feel more lost and directionless. The contrast was extraordinary, losing my identity as a difficult person meant that I no longer knew who I was. 

It took years to regrow and find a softer approach. The masculine force that we are all dealing with in our society means that we can feel disrespected, unheard and downtrodden if we adopt a more feminine approach. Women today struggle with boundaries, with being liked and knowing how to say no. A woman who says no is labelled as difficult while a man who says no is labelled as strong. Why are we still stuck in this narrative? 

As women we owe it to ourselves to find the balance, the balance between taking no sh*t but with a softness from which our true essence can come forward. Knowing where our boundaries are and making sure others also know them. When we don’t know our own boundaries we are more likely to let them be crossed, when this happens we eventually feel taken advantage of and end up snapping. This is what intimidates others. Being clear with out boundaries shows respect to ourselves and so allows others to have respect for us too.