Yikes. Depression. I’m pretty sure I’m there and have been for a while I just didn’t recognize my sadness as depression. Have you ever experienced that? A slight welling of tears behind your eyes coupled with actively trying to keep them open in the first place? Its really got me thinking about mental health and how vulnerable we all are + how crucial it is to support one another because you very well may be the only support someone gets all day.

Currently I have a podcast called “Vegan Yoga Mom” which I started after years of following around my high school sweetheart turned husband and baby daddy. I was so busy being bounced around the U.S. with that military life, always with one foot out the door, that I hardly invested in myself during my yearly 20’s. However, I will say that I am indebted to the yoga community because after graduating college and getting married, which all happened in the same Summer, I ended up finding yoga and becoming a 500 hour registered yoga teacher (RYT). Other than that though, I’ve been pretty lost because for like 8 years I just shut off and shadowed my partner. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Why did I do that? That’s not me at all.

I’ve always been such a strong person and don’t know exactly how I got swept up in playing dormant for so long. Although, now I’m realizing that to still smile and keep my head up in the midst of personal, financial and relationship struggles, it seems I am strong. Not to mention, terrible twos is a real thing and I legit have zero support, which is my bad. No friends or family around me, lack of family by choice but friends not so much. I might not be strong in an obvious way but if you knew what was going on in my head you would see how much I am pushing through every single day. Is it all a big melodrama and I’m just too sad to recognize it for what it is or am I actually on to something. Finally putting my finger on areas of my life that aren’t fulfilling.

These days, I’m working as an on-air personality out of Fort Collins, CO, hosting Retro102.5 Mornings. I wrote a children’s book on sustainable living, started the Vegan Yoga Mom podcast and tomorrow my interview with Elephant Journal’s own Waylon Lewis will go live on all streaming platforms. It looks like things are pretty sweet and life is enjoyable. So how come its not?

This piece of writing serves as a somewhat fucked up love letter to myself. To officially put a fork in it and call out my illogical sadness for what it is so I can truly move forward.

To be continued…

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