I lost my father when I had only just stepped over the line into adolescence. It has been 11 years since he held me. When you lose someone to death you’re repeatedly told, “time heals all’. However, time only heals when it is used to do the work.

The time that has passed has urged me to find comfort in revisiting the moments we once shared. By recreating my precious memories of my father, I feel connected to him. I feel connected to who I imagine he would want me to be. I sit in the night, light candles, burn fires by the ocean and imagine the advice he would have for the adult me.

A candle lit 

There is always a candle lit and flickering. On a dirty

table outside. Lit, even before the darkness

Falls. There is always a candle lit and flickering

Somewhere, with people gathered sometimes only

one, solitude and stillness not always

grief stricken, just pondering breathing. Letting

themselves catch up with life. Or vice versa. A small

moment with big impact. There is always a candle

Lit and flickering. Like the one we sat around

Together, losing the flow of conversation

In watching the dance of a single flame, the shade

Of heat and trails of smoke in the still

Air. Our words start up again. Usually

With a smile at a remembered moment. Followed

By a small grounding sound. Somewhere between

a laugh and a sob. There is always

A candle lit and flickering, dancing in the stillness

Of the night at first stars. I have sat, since your leaving

and told it my stories of you and how we used to convene

Huddle, reminisce and let our hearts

Be heard. How we used to be comfortable

in silence. I know now, ours was a silence with

a tone and a rhythm, a heartfelt silence

That offered all the love that the words

Missed. Tonight, I have lit a candle, and it is

Flickering but I cannot bare to sit by it. My solitude

Is not pondering, the grief too heavy for me

Tonight, to be still enough to feel. The ache

In my chest, the stiffness in my back in its

Original form of emotion. I want to sit

With you. By the little flame and watch it burn

I want to hear your sounds and feel

Your presence. Please forgive me

Tonight, I cannot sit by the candle

Tonight, it burns instead, dancing

and flickering alone. I wonder

If you can see it from all the way up there?