A common question asked by my young clients is how to find the right friends or girlfriend or boyfriend. They are typically adolescents or in young twenties.

Once in a while, I also meet older clients who have had strings of unsuccessful relationships and wonder why they are getting attracted to wrong kind of people.

Our friendships are indicator of our romantic relationships too.

Are we attracting wrong and getting attracted to wrong?

This reminds me of the movie, Same Kind of Different as Me in which a wealthy white man wants to befriend a homeless, black man. The homeless man tells the wealthy white man that he has heard that ‘Whites’ try to catch a fish and then release them back in the water.

As he recounts the observation, he tells that he would be afraid to befriend a wealthy person like him as it could be a fad for him just like catching the fish. While he felt that poor, blacks, spend their minimum resources of investment and time to get a catch of fish. Thus they hold it dear for all its worth.

Many of us are looking for the ‘cool ones’ to be around them. We feel highly prized by these trailblazers of the high school social life. They are the ones who light up a party either with their fashion sense, glittering appearance and probably excellence on the sports field. They hold happening parties and being invited to one is the ultimate high. The parties could have ingredients to get high too,

But if I compare them to real life, they are like the fashion trends. 4 fashion trends typically. Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. These ‘cool’ friends typically are superficial, changing friendships with their priorities. You the ‘person’ doesn’t matter. What you bring in is what matters. It could be loyalty, crisis handling or cleaning up the messes for which you are rewarded with half baked appreciation which could sound convincing to the besotted ears.

Friendships are like the above mentioned story in which investment of time, attention, appreciation, acknowledgements are very important. A friendship does need ‘test of time’.

Loyalties and showing the mirror are equally important.

A good friendship is like an expensive piece of clothing which is chosen for its quality, comfort and because it looks good  on one, is good for one.

Not because it’s in fashion.

Loyalty: Seek friendships with people who speak for you and on behalf of you, even in your absence.

Appreciation/ Honest Criticism: A friend will raise your spirits when you could be feeling low. At the same time, you should be able to expect that you will be corrected when you are making wrong decisions, by your friend.

Respect: A friend should be able to respect you for the person you are. Anyone who demeans you, makes fun of you or at your expense can not be a friend.

Attention: Someone who notices the tears in your eyes, a quiver in your voice or the half hidden smile on your lips, cares genuinely about you.

Hold on to them dearly. They are treasures, no wealth can buy.

Encouragement: A friend encourages you to explore your potential, reach for new vistas. They are the winds beneath your wings. They support when you feel discouraged and raise your spirits by reminding your virtues.

Dependable: A true friend is someone you don’t hesitate to call, when life hits hard. They are the ones, who you know will be there, if not physically, then emotionally, always.