I’m enjoying a day free from the craziness of work. The world of retail and the ramping up toward the holidays already has me feeling uptight, anxious and flustered.

Saturday and Sunday were a test to my nerves. I am only able to work part time and for good reason. My brain can only handle so much stimuli. As the crowd of shoppers grows by the day, all pushing forward to purchase fall wreaths for their front doors, Halloween costumes, and early Christmas presents, I feel my nerves begin to stretch to their limits and fray at the ends a bit. Black Friday looms on the horizon and I try to stay in this moment and not allow the anticipation of it to take hold and wreck me.

It’s humbling to admit these limitations of mine. Anxiety and it’s companion depression are big players this time of year for me. My job is not the main catalyst, but it certainly has it’s role in adding to what is already troubling to me.

As I write this, I realize it sounds a bit like a call for sympathy. It isn’t. My hope is to reach others who struggle with similar issues.. I know that it is not unique to have these feelings creep up this time of year. Many of us find it painful, and perhaps isolating as we watch the rest of the world appear to enjoy and even rejoice in it while surrounded by family and friends.

It is not because I don’t have family nearby. It has always been a time of private pain and angst. Even as a child, while participating in tree decorating, caroling with friends, and the opening of presents on Christmas morning; there was an underlying feeling of sadness and disappointment that I was never able to understand or quite put my finger on.

I am considering not posting this. It isn’t an essay I am happy with. It is mournful and bleak. But I do hope it helps people who share the same experience to not feel as alone.

I plan, as usual, to put up my white tree with its multicolored lights and sparkly ornaments in the shapes of sparrows, doves, and peacocks as a reminder that a new year is just around the corner. Grand hopes of change for the better, new chances, and renewal being the gift that I cherish the most.