When almost all your life, you put everybody before you, thinking that this is the way of becoming a better version of yourself, you buy trashy beliefs about different aspects in your life. You start to normalize unhealthy behavior, because you are so attuned to meeting other’s needs; because you can see through the veil of why a person is acting in a particular way. You end up thinking that just like in the movies; you must incorporate martyrdom in your very own life, especially at your stake. And the surprising part is, this happens most of the times involuntarily; giving this a thought is out of question.  It’s too late by the time you realize that, you were not even the last person in the list of those people who deserve your love and care. You wonder if at least you put yourself somewhere in the list, you would have had your hand to comfort you, when your own heart was bleeding. Despite having few gorgeous people there by you, that being the saving grace, you still cannot explain the void. I do not know if this is the case with everybody, but this was the thing for me, for sure.

The very thing that people liked in me for most of my life, when they first met me, was the very thing they got repelled by later on.  My taking people’s issues as my very own; my intense care made people in my life feel smothered.  Because I bought the idea of putting people before me, my cup ran dry even before I could remember. This led to getting my boundaries so diluted and violated that people didn’t think twice before overstepping on them in a barbaric way. At 22, two years ago, I was bullied and humiliated at a Salon.  The worst part was, this happened during the time when I hit the bottom of the valley, when my world around me crashed–the very world which I built on my knees. Sensitive that I am, I cannot take it when somebody talks at me in a loud voice. Yes, I have a loud voice, but I choose to talk to people, not talk at them. I try to use it to encourage people genuinely.  So, here at the Salon, the lady handled the hot wax knife on my skin pretty harshly to the extent of it hurting me. I asked her two times, to be gentle on my skin, and she started talking “at” me, in a loud nasty tone, as to how my request was invalid. I was already hurting with unresolved wounds and the loud voice brought me to tears. Seeing my tears, she and another lady staff, ganged up on me and started shaming me for being in tears. That moment I got up and told them that I would want to leave and would pay for the service, even though the service wasn’t rendered fully. We were just at the beginning of the session. They told me that, they cannot accept the money because the service wasn’t rendered.  I thought that it would be unjust on my part to not pay them, because I know that these people work to meet their ends meet. In order to pay them for their services, I chose to sit through the embarrassment and harassment. The lady, who bullied me, was replaced by another lady for the session but she didn’t stop there. She started mocking my tears by laughing at me and humiliated me even more. This doesn’t take away the fact that my being sensitive absolutely attributes to my courage. My eyes were red, my face soaked in tears and my insides torn with anxiety and grief. But let me tell you, that didn’t deter me from finally standing up for myself. I told them in my choking voice that this is no way of treating not just a customer, but anybody for that matter. I was wounded through and through. Thinking back to that day, I don’t know how I survived it. I thought I would make this bullying public by reporting about it, but I stopped myself. I thought that she would be fired from the job, if her audacity for all the wrong reasons was exposed. I saw her with a little girl, and had an inkling that she was struggling with her life. So I let her go. Taking the higher road has always been my forte, at my very expense during those days especially. This incident has taught me a very important lesson. That is, one needs to stand up for themselves and that is not equal to becoming a rebel. That self-love doesn’t make you selfish; in fact it’s the other way round. When you nourish yourself, you will be able to nourish people and hold space for them, thus empowering them in the process! How cool is that! Unresolved, unexpressed and suppressed emotions are the breeding grounds for Resentment and Insensitivity. Did I tell you that this hampers your own growth? Well, it does.

Why a rebel? I bought the false idea that, standing up for myself would make me a bully; that I would not be humble if I didn’t internalize people’s judgements of me. Did you observe that, how by not respecting myself enough to just put me on the list has messed up my thought patterns? This led me to think that I don’t deserve to receive love and kindness. No wonder I am mind boggled! Growing up, I was always told that being sensitive was wrong. The kid who used to express what hurt her confidently even when she was a tiny toddler, suddenly started feeling that if she is feeling hurt, she is to blame. So, whenever I felt hurt by something, not only did I suppress it, but felt guilty because I felt hurt. I didn’t know that it would not be me being ungrateful towards my parents who I consider my treasures, made sure that every basic need of mine was met or the people who I got to call my people  allowed me to love them, if I expressed what I am not okay with. I didn’t know that I didn’t need to belittle myself to show that somebody else is special in my life. I did this with pride, given that I am a fool for love.  I not only over empathized with people in my life but never paid any attention to any of needs. I didn’t know that I deserve to express my needs and communicate what has hurt me like everybody else. Eventually I got more and more depressed. People can notice I guess even without telling, when you disrespect yourself. So they think that it’s okay to disrespect you. Growing up I had been bullied a lot, especially by a few of the people in my own circle. I honestly didn’t know that this was not acceptable, because when many people, especially the ones who you call your own, treat you this way, abuse is normalized in your head. Among the many poisonous beliefs, I bought the belief that I was a burden, so whenever people started becoming distant from me, I thought that I should be the one saving the relationship, so I tried compensating for it, by running behind them.  Also because I was no stranger to the wound of people abandoning me, I thought that they would feel abandoned, if I play along and be distant. So the more I tried, the more smothered and suffocated they felt. The more distant they got, the more I started feeling worthless, adding to which, the belief that I was a burden reinforced my worthlessness and my love unrequited. The guilt played its cards and I was feeling guilty that I was feeling all these things. My depression, suppression of emotions and worthlessness would pop up and I used to breakdown during casual hangouts before the very people, whom I called mine, sensing the distance. I couldn’t express my needs, so they misunderstood me, that I was having ulterior motives from me doing all of this to seek attention to a deliberate attempt to make them embarrassed in order to make it evident to others that they are mistreating me. I just wanted to be heard, understood and held, just as the way I treated others—I didn’t know this too. As I told that I didn’t want to impose on them further, few of the ones whom I called my own, left because my very presence had started to drain them. When I myself didn’t know what my needs were, how will anybody else know? Few of them, didn’t know what to do with me, so chose to not tap me on my shoulder when I told them that I want to leave.

I started questioning my worth even more. I thought that I would burden people and hurt them, if they came into my life also I was scared that, if the ones who walked out on me would come back, they would feel hurt that I replaced them, so I made it a point that I didn’t get close to anybody new. I was feeling miserable on the inside. I believed at that moment and still believe that nobody is entitled to be in my life, if they feel drained especially. It’s not anybody’s fault. But it hurt me a lot because I thought that there was something wrong with me that people didn’t think twice before letting me go just like that. Also I wouldn’t do that in the wildest of my dreams. The Salon incident happened right after these episodes and that has made me indirectly (I wouldn’t want to give it the whole credit, it was my choice!)  take the path of healing and nourishing myself with self-love. I started learning various courses on alternate healing modalities. I started learning about the workings around emotions and mind. I started noticing my own growth. I started being more compassionate not just with myself, but with others. I started listening to myself. I started breaking old, rigid and rotten conditioning and projections. I started stepping into my own power. I started making kindness as my superpower blending it with assertiveness.  I started feeling alive, which is a breath of fresh air after feeling numb for a long time. I started believing in the magic, this life could offer. Most importantly, I started being a friend to myself.   Fast forward to today, I recently made a cyber bully piss in their pants, who was trying to threaten me, that too without using a single bad word and without deviating from being kind. So fears don’t always tell the truth (90% of the times, to be precise)! Did I tell you that my mission is to be a Healer and an Up-lifter? But this time, I made sure that I include myself in the list every single time. That is what it means by the sentence: Be an instrument of God. You see, how can I be an instrument of God, when my own cup is empty? Even a Helicopter or any vehicle for that matter needs oiling and fuel refilling for it to be able to take its passengers to their destination. We are human beings with a beautiful soul and a beating heart for heaven’s sake. I know that I have a long way to go. Thank God! I am excited by the mere idea that I will get to learn so many things.  But this doesn’t take away the fact that I did come a long way and I am proud of myself for all that I am all that I had been and all that I would become. Absolutely!