Yesterday, I was finally christened “Boulder Douche of The Day.”

Lifetime achievements can take time—stay the course and success will come.

Though my friends and family were not present for this high honor, my wife and I basked in the moment. At last, I summited the elusive podium with the highest honors from the fine gentleman, who both nominated and then confirmed me in a generous individual ceremony at my favorite coffee shop.

Our candidacy arose when my wife and I noticed that a car—what we now assume to be the official vehicle for the Douche du Jour magistrate—had pulled directly up to the nearest parking spot in front of an outside seating area and graciously left his car running as he entered the cafe.

We were distracted by the glory of the day and failed to note the physical appearance of such an important arbitrator, and so of course, we left a fine note complimenting them for their kindness and wisdom for allowing us to enjoy the exhaust of their beautiful SUV.

When the esteemed individual did return to their car and saw our note, the bestower of honors was so moved that they took a moment to gaze upon the possible candidates amongst the outside cafe dwellers and I, without hesitation, introduced myself—which pleased the judge greatly. His joy was evidenced by his wide display of teeth and excited gesticulation at having found his candidate so early in the day. Oh, the majesty!

The pageantry of the moment meaningfully added to my honorific. The bestower exited his car to come greet me personally. He elaborated on the specifics of how our note and the sentiment behind the note moved him wildly. He was shocked that we would bother to take such care as to write a note when he had only bothered to gas us for perhaps seven to nine minutes.

The pinnacle for me was the grand gesture of recognition as the “Delegator of Douches;” he passionately broadcasted his sincere proclamation of my new title to the small crowd. His eminence loudly cheered for me, and even furthered my goodness by saying behavior like mine was what makes Boulder so reputable amongst all cities and why we are so special.

As he drove away in his fumigating chariot like the grandest of marshals, my honorer, with heartfelt measure, trumpeted officially that only here in Boulder could he find such behaviour, and that I was indeed the most douchy of all douches on this day!

God Bless America!