*Editor’s Note: This piece is part of a series—lucky you. Head to the author’s profile to continue reading.

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#1 – The Love Mindset Series

I wanted to shut the voice in my head, the voice that talked down to me, judged me, and reduced me to a sniveling, meaningless, defensive, unworthy and unlovable creature.

I would hyper focus on criticism.  I would take the negative things anyone said about me harshly and feed the voice in my head with self-deprecating fuel.

In my head.

This head voice would say things like:

• You can keep overachieving at work, but it still won’t make people love you.
• Your nose is gigantic, how can you even think for a moment you are pretty?
• Yeah, just because you use your income to buy gifts for your friends, it will not make them stay by your side.
• You are unlovable.
• You’re incapable of having a great relationship.  Every relationship you have had so far has failed miserably.  
• This is all your doing and fault.
• You dishonored your family once already.  Are you seriously going to do it again?
• Who do you think you are? You are a disgrace.
• How dare you question your mother and father!

The medicine I chose to numb my head consisted of:

• Being busy
• Being distracted
• Displaying my success at work
• Having temporary relationships
• Putting my all, including my identity, into my work
• Being in a room with loved ones, but being busy and disconnected
• Partying and alcohol
• Getting more letters after my name with this degree or that certification

My mind craved distraction all the time… or so I thought. 

The nights were lonely and gut wrenching. I finally would fall asleep for a nap or for a night’s rest with the knowing that upon waking, the voice would be back to berate me.

I attracted jobs that kept me working from the wee hours of the morning into the darkness of the night. 

I would take on hobbies to keep me distracted so the voice would be distracted and frankly shut the hell up.

I would go out with coworkers and friends, to nightclubs where I would dance and drink, and dance some more.  Deep down I knew the dense, dingy, smelly, smoke from lit cigarettes in these clubs would be my downfall, not to mention the drinking.  My immune system was crying out for support. I did not hear it.

I would blindly make choices to support the guy I was dating, without thinking through the what ifs.  This time would be the tipping point.

This way of living for two decades finally landed me crumpled in a mess on the floor right in front of the green glass emergency room doors, slinging them wide open to receive me. 

I quit the job because I loved him.  

I learned later, much later, with financial and emotional distress… this was not love. I learned that I was just fulfilling my ancestral duty to stand by my man.

I had quit my great job in Information Technology at a ginormous bank where I had made quite a name for myself.  I was liked there. My customers preferred me over others, asked for me to lead their projects, I would get large bonuses every year… it was a dream.

He met some people who wanted us to join them in their business.  It turned out… I learned several months later that these people were con artists.  These con artists were masters and seductively charismatic.  

I remember this so called boyfriend I was living with at the time was in another room.  I say in a calm, low voice ‘I need to go to the hospital now.’ I hear him faintly ‘Just a minute.’  I say ‘I don’t have a minute.’

I hear the voice say, yeah, he will do this for you but you’re not worth his time.  He is not loving towards you and you deserve it.   

The night before, I recalled getting a phone call.  I was still out of it from having fallen asleep, Hello I say after clumsily getting the phone to my ear.  The husky voice on the other end asked if we knew where these con artists were. I hand the phone to my boyfriend.  He gives them the address where they were living. The bullying voice tells him he is with the mafia and these con artists had conned the wrong people… this time. They had conned high power attorneys, judges, and doctors in the Northeast.  Now they were working their cons in the Southeast. An attorney had committed suicide recently, one of the mafia’s attorneys. These con artists took everything he had and his life and family were decimated. He says, you will help me find them or else.  

Intense fear sets in.

The cons looked real in all possible ways.  Until, they did not. Fortunately, all I had given up was my car and my job.  I could always get another car or job. 

Oh, yeah… and my wellness – my ability to stand, breathe, hold a glass, think, or even write.

1. Was. Drained. Exhausted. All. The Energy. Was Sucked Out of Me.

My brain and body had some restoration work ahead. And some of my motor functions needed time to rewire and reconnect.

I vaguely recall being placed in the dingy green ford explorer that still had that new car smell.  A cold, damp haze washes over me.

I collapse at the doors of the Emergency Room.

Five days and nights pass.  I am unaware of the passing of time, bleeps of the monitors attached to my body, or the coming and going of the caregivers.

Then.

I briefly  and wearily opened my eyes.

I see my boyfriend, dressed in his jeans and sweatshirt.  His short marine like hair cut. His sister is by his side, kind and gentle soul.  Both are at the foot of the bed where I am laying, vulnerable and unable to move or talk.  All I can do is acknowledge them with my eyes and curve my lips upward ever so slightly with tremendous effort and energy.

They smile.

I don’t understand what’s happened.

My eyes close again.

I try to move my arms and feel them tied to the cold rails on either side of the bed.  But, this was just a recent memory.

I struggle to get free.

The nurse comes in to check on me.   I hear her telling my boyfriend that they had to intubate me.   I was not having that pipe shoved down my throat and was fighting the nurse and the doctor, so they had to tie my wrists to the bed.  Ah, that’s why my arms feel so restricted, the voice says. In my head.

But they are not tied now. Why do they feel as though they are tied?

Something is different.

The voice is not in my head anymore.

Where did you go?

The voice says, your work on this plane is not done yet.  Go back.

Where are you? I ask.

I have relocated to paradise within you. 

Why?  I ask. 

Because you had me chained to your head, the voice says.  

While you were disconnected from your head and body, I was able to free myself and return home. 

Where is home?  I ask. 

In your heart, body, and your senses.  I will now reside there… the paradise within you. 

Why? I ask. 

Because you are going to begin unlearning everything you have been taught, told, and learned. 

Why do I need to do that?  I ask. 

The voice says in a soft voice:

Because it is time for you to know, love, and understand yourself. 
It is time for you to honor, respect, and love yourself.  

It is time for you to let go of what does not serve your highest good and that of others.  

It is time for you to choose what is best for you.  

It is time for you to live your life.  

It is time for you to stop living your life according to everyone else’s vision and opinion of who you are, how you are to live, and what is best for you. 

And it is time for you to begin what you came to this plane to do and be.
You know best.  Listen to your heart and the wisdom of your senses and body. 

I don’t understand what you are saying or what you mean.  

I have all of these people in my life who have told me how to live and be.  They will leave me. I don’t know how to do what you are saying. I am frightened to the core.  My heart is trembling. I am unable to breathe. I am suffocating just contemplating what is going to happen.  

In my head… again.

I think this relationship I am in has ended.  I know he is not right for me, nor I him. But my worth is tied to being in a relationship. I don’t know what happened to the con artists.  All I know at this moment, I have learned a lot about people, communication and relationships. And… I am done with this phase of my life.

I don’t have a home to go to when I leave this hospital bed  because it is a house he and I bought together and I cannot go back there now.  He is not a caretaker or caregiver. My body and mind need time to heal. I cannot even hold a glass without it slipping through my hands onto the floor where it crashes, tumbles and rolls.

The voice calmly and lovingly says, I know.  I am here for you and with you always and in all ways.  You will be ok. You are ok. You are safe with me.

All there is for you to do is to connect with me.  For I am YoU.

Now that I am back in my home, in your heart and body, I can now connect with your soul, your spirit, your highest good, and the unseen forces that conspire on your behalf.  Just as I am doing so now, in this moment.  

My name is The Love Mindset.  

This is your first assignment.

Trust in the invisible forces conspiring on your behalf always and in all ways.  

Be silent. 

Hear my voice. 

Nurture your nature. 

Be kind. 

Be love. 

Stop pushing, start allowing.

To receive, you must allow.

I do not know what all of this means.  But I hear it. It is many years later that I embrace and honor the first assignment fully and as intended.  

Thank you for moving back into your home, I say.  The anguish and pressure of you being in my head was too much to bear.  I feel discombobulated yet lighter. My body feels heavy, like a thirty story building on a soggy bottomed foundation. 

Be patient, the voice says.  Your purpose is to be the messenger for The Love Mindset, but first you must learn about love and being loved.  You will be working with people all over the world. You will be helping them have remarkable relationships. 

How do I do that when I don’t even have that in my life?  I ask. 

You will.  Be patient, says the voice.

Know that your path is one of experiment and experience.  All that you go through will be a gift and contribution to those you help.

Remember and trust your gifts:  

• You see things others cannot see for themselves.
• Clairsentience and claircognizance.  
• You create unity when it seems impossible and implausible.
• You bring calm and harmony to those who are in distress.
• You are a master with words and communicating.
• The power of your listening causes tremendous transformation for others; not your doing.
• Trust and know the people you are here to guide and advise will come to you.

I caution you:

• Don’t share what you sense and know until asked to do so.  It pisses people off.
• Silently observe what goes on around you, almost as though your physical body is not in the room.  You may not be seen, but you will be felt.  
• Wait to see what emerges instead of pushing yourself to achieve and make things happen.
• Rest. Rest often. Nap. Nap often.  
• Have time to yourself… to be silent… and just be.  Often. Several times in the 24 hours you have
• Make choices from inspiration and love. 
• If you don’t love it, leave it.
• Stop trying to fix things in your life when they clearly are no longer serving your highest good.  You no longer have to stay and make it work. Doing this will kill you, literally. It just about did this time around.

I stop hearing the voice.  

The commotion in the ICU is loud, busy, and distracting.  I find myself needing peace, calmness, and serenity. Busy-ness and distraction feels uncomfortable to me. 

I briefly squint through slightly open eyes.  I see my mother and feel her hand on my forehead.  I see my father by her side.

My mind takes over again.

Oh shit.  What do I do now?

The voice reminds me to rest, be silent, and trust the invisible forces conspiring on my behalf.

I know I will be going to the boyfriend’s house to pack my bags… it is his house now, I will make sure of it. I know that will be the last time I go to that house.  I know I will hire a lawyer to sever my ties to that house and property. I know I will go to my parent’s home to recover.

I know recovery will take me a year.

That is all I know for now.

I go back to sweet sleep knowing that is where I am safe.   

I am now, in this precious moment, connected with The Love Mindset voice.