“Well, I never!”

Anyone else remember this? A simple indignant response to all things considered irreverent and falling outside the lines we were trained to color within. It showed disdain, shock, and was generally a good litmus test for knowing whether or not the words coming out of your mouth were acceptable in polite society…

But I don’t want talk about societal norms or what passes for respectability these days. I’ll leave politics to the politicians (all a farce anyways). I’d much rather spend my time contemplating why so many of us have held on tightly to these three simple words and avoided living a life a little less encumbered and with a more unbridled spirit. Tenacity is a trait to embrace, not retreat from.

And sadly, I think I have embodied a more risk averse nature for most of my adult life. I spent a lot of time “never” doing or acting on things that were too risky or not socially acceptable in certain circles.

In fact, let me go a step farther and say that my “never” list includes things I would not allow or permit to happen in my life…choices I’d never make, people I’d never date (or marry…), and other less than stellar milestones I’d never collect as I made my way around this game of Life.

Take it from me when I say that living a life with exceptions and censure is not really living your life. It’s typically grounded in living a life of someone else’s choosing…maybe your parents. Hell, they’re the ones that set the tone for us. We all start with a clean slate. It quickly fills up with mental notes passed onto us by our well-intentioned families. For me, that meant a Catholic upbringing where most girls were named “Mary” and shame was a powerful motivator in programming me with a robust list of “nevers.” I would never have sex before marriage, and even after marriage, I shouldn’t enjoy it. It should be reserved for the act of procreation and creating a new generation to pass it all down to. I would not swear or miss church on Sunday. I would never divorce. And I damn sure wouldn’t use the “f” bomb. It was a sign of disrespect if anyone uttered it in a lady’s presence and a sign most unbecoming of a lady to say it.

And so began my life long struggle to reach unachievable goals. I succeeded in meeting the mark for most of the items on that list. And by success I mean that for every life choice I was supposed to avoid, I ran headlong into. I got married. I got divorced…and married again…and divorced (again…sigh). And had enjoyable sex, with absolutely no intention of procreating. And slowly (ever so slowly) I started to question why I was holding on so tightly to a belief system that clearly hadn’t worked very well for me so far. I’m not saying I don’t have faith or don’t believe in committed relationships. Or that I don’t possess a moral compass that guides my choices in life. What I’m saying is that it is no longer guided by guilt and shame or anyone else’s success metrics.

I wish I could tell you what changed for me. It was subtle at first. My choices simply became less and less about what others would think and more about what I believed would bring my own happiness and fulfillment.

I’ve gone through some kind of transformation. I like to think of it as a deconstruction of sorts. Once I opened my mind to the possibility that absolutely anything was possible, I was terrified of absolutely everything. Giving up on a way of life that wasn’t working for me was scary because it meant that I was going to have to figure out what did work. And the “f” bomb I’d been avoiding all my life was the first word that came to mind. Because, fuck! What do I do with all of the past mistakes and lost time that I can no longer “unsee”?

And so after 50 years of avoiding it, I started making up for lost times saying it. I continue to raise a few eyebrows when I use it in mixed company, but they will just have to get over it. I did! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I’d love to be able to share a roadmap for how I arrived here but the simple truth is that it was a bit like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. My own catalyst felt equally chaotic and once I’d started the journey, it was clear there was no turning back. My own trip has been a lot like traveling through a tornado in that everything in my life was thrown into a vortex, spun around violently, and spit out all over the place. Now I get to decide what stays and what goes.

My journey has been a sort of reverse bucket list. Instead of focusing on all the things I’d love to embrace and do, I’m taking inventory of another bucket list that has taken on a lot more water and filled up more quickly than the selective stainless version that is reserved for skydiving and giving a Ted talk before I die. This bucket is well worn and rusty. It’s been kicked, thrown, and discarded more than once. It’s the face of denial…the part of me that wants to hide my head in the sand rather than face a critical decision. It’s a utilitarian tool that no longer has a purpose in my life. It’s become obsolete and I’ve replaced it with a more authentic symbol…one that wears its contents as a badge of honor instead of shame.

My bucket list is filled with life lessons and irony. It’s filled with a life of “nevers,” “maybes,” and “some days” Most of all, it contains the secret to success (at least for me). Progress only came when I abandoned my GPS and went off the grid with my own intuition and gut instead of worrying about what was considered acceptable.

I said I couldn’t share a roadmap for how I got here, but I want to leave you with a few suggestions as you consider your own bucket list:

1. Remove the word “never” from your vocabulary. It has no place in a world full of (fallible) human beings. We live in a place where anything is possible and everything is on the table for consideration.
2. Be a seeker of wisdom and information and importantly, consider a different perspective. I have accepted the possibility that nothing is as it appears. I acknowledge that deconstructing is just as important as reconstructing because it determines the starting point and sets the tone for all that will follow.
3. Embrace all things we believe we will never face. I have been reminded that there are no boundaries that cannot be encroached upon in this life. For every experience in life that begins with resistance to change or denial that a certain reality has come upon us, time has a way of mocking us and proving us wrong. This is part of our learning.
4. Don’t be afraid to stand still. Sit with the knowledge that the only thing that matters is where you are right now and the willingness to continue in whatever direction you choose for your future.

People ask me sometimes what success looks like to me. The longer I live, the easier that answer comes to mind. Success is my life as it is today. It’s not about all the things I haven’t done yet. It has everything to do with what I’m already doing. It’s a constant vibration of positive energy just below the surface that continues to propel me forward in the direction of happiness. Forget the bucket list. Kick it now!