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A post shared by Amanda Whitworth (@_sawdustandsoul) on Nov 6, 2019 at 7:47am PST

I moved to the middle of nowhere to live in a yurt to simplify my life and surprisingly, simple isn’t exactly what I have been met with.

I gave up my comfortable and easy life to move somewhere new and attempt to slow down, thinking it would instantly provide me with what I have been longing for—inner peace.

The problem is, no matter where you go, your inner landscape comes with you. I’m not exactly sure why I always seem to forget this. Just because you change the location, it doesn’t mean all the inner workings change. Those take time, attention, and actually showing up to do the work.

I realized that I moved here to slow my life down so that I may hear better. So that I could hear the inner longings of what my heart truly wants and to understand why I didn’t listen to her before. I moved here to explore what my authentic inner landscape really means, what she longs for, and how knowing her brings me closer to my purpose.

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A post shared by Amanda Whitworth (@_sawdustandsoul) on Sep 15, 2019 at 1:38pm PDT

I wanted to know my soul, if you will, because when I’m in the hustle, the busy, the inauthenticity that is bestowed upon us that tells us we need to belong, she gets confused and slips away. It hasn’t been easy though. It’s taken more courage to stay here in my new life than anything else before. Here, I am alone with the vast rolling hills and the thick fog that buries us deep below. Here, I am asked to take an honest look at myself and my previous choices in life and reconcile with a past and person I’m not always too proud of.

Here, the shame buried deep within me that I don’t fully understand, sometimes feels like it’s ripping my insides apart. It’s physically painful. I’ve spent more time curled up on the floor, crying in the last three months then I have in the 38 years before. I’m diving in and doing the work, going to those places that really hurt.

Sometimes the layers fall away quickly and other times I think a layer is gone only to have something trigger it once more. And it’s not fun. Doing the work isn’t fun and I, without a doubt, get why we distract and avoid and look the other way. I get why we stay where we are because we know that we can survive that.

Sometimes I wonder if I will survive the unearthing of my truth. But I keep doing it. I keep waking up every day and looking at myself in the mirror and saying to that little girl deep within, “I’m trying really hard to love you. I’m trying to figure out what you need, what you want, what you long for. I’m sorry I never did this before, but I didn’t know how to. But I’m learning how to now and I’m sorry I didn’t before.”

I think that’s where you begin. By addressing that little person deep within who still carries the pain.

Then, when you are ready, you move into forgiveness. Which I don’t really know how to do either. To really forgive. But I’m learning that too. And some days it’s harder to believe it than others, but I keep doing it because I know it’s the way back home. I know it’s why I moved here. To find my way back home.

I moved to a yurt to slow down and simplify my life but I really moved here to figure out who I am.

That’s not as easy as it sounds. It comes with layers and layers of old stories and belief systems, ones that I have been running from for most of my life and it’s confusing and scary—and God is it painful at times. I moved to a yurt to simplify my life.

Instead, I’m realizing I move here to figure out how to forgive and love myself and I’m learning my way as I go.

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A post shared by Amanda Whitworth (@_sawdustandsoul) on Aug 26, 2019 at 7:03am PDT

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