This, is for anyone else out there who might be struggling. About to give up, as I was… 

There’s simply no way I could keep quiet, about a truth that has changed my life in so many ways–

I still struggle, but now it’s to believe this is really me. 

From a shy little insecure teenager, sorry for herself, sorry about herself. Constantly questioning the meaning of life, if it was even worth the living— To now, thirty something; not living the life of my dreams but perhaps something even better.

Still awkward, still bearing many childhood scars, still with a thoroughly imperfect life, but now thankful for every second of it, as I see some dots finally join together, while others remain loose to help keep the suspense and life ever more interesting. 

So what happened? What sort of witchcraft am I practicing? What drugs am I on? 

None of the above, though I really have no words to describe this sort of magic or life transforming force.

The words Love and God simply do not do this justice.

So I can only hope my actions can speak louder than words and my life preach better than any apologetics book or sermon ever could and serve as evidence that love, miracles and other strange phenomena do exist.

Because now I carry my scars with pride, but at my heart’s ability to experience this love that’s shaped me into the person I am. Becoming.

Always becoming, never done. “Perfect” means done; finished. And I do not intend to be finished until the day I truly am done.

So it’s through this love that I’ve learnt to carry fragility as gentleness. 

With care and poise.

With some kind of Grace.

Not as a crystal class about to break, again, barely held together by cheap superglue or sticky tape–

But as a flower or something precious always meant for– breaking.

I’ve learnt to appreciate my sensitivity. Because it’s made me perceive there’s more than what eyes can see.

I’ve learnt to value my “not knowing”, renamed it as curiosity, because this leaves me open to possibilities and for me this is the only way to ever discover new ways of being.

I’ve learnt to embrace my silliness.

Because you have to laugh at something.

Life’s too serious business not to.

In the same way, I’ve learnt to embrace sadness and tears because now I know these are what water fruits of vulnerability and compassion.

I’ve learnt to value pain. 

Because I’ve become so familiar with it that I can now recognise it better in others and try to respond accordingly. 

I’ve learnt that fear was made to keep us living safe not to keep us from living.

And for me, it’s all about overcoming our fears…  Everything that keeps us trapped in our little self made prisons.

Everything that feeds our hate and the cynicism, behind which often there is deep deep sadness and hurt, which keeps us from touching the miracle. 

And it’s only the miracle itself, love, which can heal these wounds.

So now I thank my fear and every unhealthy coping mechanism I’ve ever resorted to, for trying, so hard, to ease my overwhelm. 

I’ve learnt to thank my anxiety for it’s unreal power, to propel me forward into living each day to the best of my ability, whatever that may look like on any given day, as if my life depended on it.

Because it does.

And in the process I’ve learnt to be thankful, for all the times I’ve ever hit a wall.

Because I’ve been forced to stop, slow down and just breath a little. Refocus and carry on.

I’ve learnt to be thankful for my continual “failures”.

Because they remind me how I am only human and how much I depend on something beyond me:

Just to breath—

I am thankful I do not have to control my breathing.

Nor my heartbeat.

But to a certain extent I do control my thoughts and what I let in and out of my heart.

So I’m thankful for my every struggle.

Because perhaps it’s only pain which can perforate the heart and makes it somewhat porous.

For goodness and all things to come in and out of.

So where am I going with all this? 

I guess all I’m trying to say is: let’s just love each other a little more, please. Irrespective of our differences. Each day a little more, let us refine our definitions of love and the way we put these into action. 

And let us give ourselves a fighting chance, to experience love and life, maybe in a way like we never before have.

As for me, I will continue writing and being excited, living constantly in love and in awe, at what this life has in store.

And whatever happens — don’t give up. 

Or actually do, give it up to God/Love, fully and then you’ll see, how one can not just keep quiet about these things… 

“And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.”

– John 5:4