The first time it happened, I could hear liquid squelching and sloshing as I was feeling the most intense, involuntary bearing down of my pelvic floor that I had ever experienced.

My back arched as my pelvis ejected fluid out of me.

I was completely overwhelmed, physically and emotionally. My face and pillow were as wet as the sheet and mattress beneath my hips. I was sobbing.

My heart was exploding, and the only thought that was playing over and over again in my mind was “I am not broken.”

Which at the same time was coming as a complete surprise to me, as I didn’t realise I felt that way. I didn’t realise I had the expectation on myself and my sexual abilities that unless I could squirt, I was broken. This happened for me during a yoni massage.

After spending many years exploring sexuality and what it means to me, at the age of 35, I began to squirt.

Now it happens all the time—I soak through towels, wet sheets, and mattresses during masturbation and sex. Sometimes I have control, and other times I don’t. I am still learning what my body is capable of and how she does it.

I have taught women’s courses in sexual exploration for some time now, and there seems to be a reoccurring theme: “I want to learn how to squirt.”

So I felt the need to examine why.

Why is this something we feel needs to be achieved to proclaim our sexual sufficiency?

During the investigation, three key aspects of female ejaculation, aka squirting, became apparent.

Porn.

Porn has a lot to answer for in our society and the way we “perform” sexually. It takes about five seconds to find a multitude of videos with women squirting. And it is always in fire hose proportions that happens again and again and again.

This has created a false reality around what squirting is, how to achieve it, and what it should look and feel like. Just as the porn industry has given us the “ideal vulva appearance,” it is also greatly misinforming us around squirting.

Men make a mess too.

Men have always ejaculated externally. Spraying, projecting their semen all over the place. In socks, bed sheets, walls, floors, over others’ bodies, in mouths, everywhere.

Men have been making a mess since the beginning of time. However, something I am noticing is the inconvenience when a woman does—even sometimes by the woman herself. I have definitely had moments of cursing my amrita (nectar of a woman) for soaking through four layers of towels to hit the mattress once again.

I have heard women express stories of shame when partners have been disgusted at the flow of liquid, disgusted at the taste, the mess, the surprise. So much so, it shuts down the woman’s ability to squirt completely.

What makes a woman squirt? Squirting is a proclamation.

In examining this third point, I found that there are two pathways to a woman squirting. One is the way of the porn star; train those pelvic floor muscles within an inch of their life and make them perform on demand through contraction and clever fakery. Or through doing the work. And by doing the work, I mean, spiritually.

Most of my clients begin to squirt when they up-level their life in some way. When they have discovered their true power, awakened to a new layer of self-love or discovery, or finally created the life conditions they desire. Then it happens.

So when I say squirting is a proclamation, I mean it is a statement of release, a flag that a deeper level of existence has been reached. This, of course, only happens if it is aligned with what the woman desires and wants in her sexual expression.

This means that you cannot force it. Despite what we see in porn, you can go into sex or masturbation and say it’s going to happen this time. Women are multi-sensory beings; any level of fear or uncomfortableness will impact the level of pleasure you can receive.

In reality, all women can squirt. We just all do it differently. Some squirt, some gush, some flood, and some dribble or drip. It is not always the fire hose porn flood.

Because of this, squirting has been placed on a pedestal. It has become the new black—the latest thing to achieve for women on the path of spiritual and sexual exploration. Which in itself creates great expectation and agenda—the two sure things to prevent it from happening.

In the commercialised world of spirituality, a woman can be perceived as more awakened if she can squirt. And more sexy and desirable in the world of sexuality. This leaves us with an unobtainable expectation and keeps women small in their sexual expression. The same story that has been playing out for thousands of years.

Squirting is powerful, vulnerable, and messy, but it does not define who you are as a woman.