How we ask someone out reveals a lot about who we are.

A lot of the time, it can be nerve-wracking, and we hurry the asking part to hear the answer.

Yes, and we can breathe again.

No, and we can breathe again.

And with all the nervousness swirling about, our ask can come across as inauthentic, even disinterested. But, why are we holding our breath and posturing disinterest, when we are in fact curious?

Why do we posture at all?

Sometimes, we can get in a groove about how we go about things—like wanting to appear like we hold a lackadaisical disposition. Or, rooted in a fondness for familiarity, we become lazy at putting thoughtful time into something that is kind of a big deal.

And sometimes, we truly aren’t asking with the depth of someone who does genuinely mean it, because we are unsure. We are unsure because we don’t really know who we are—what it is that we want, and if we can truly feel safe.

When minus 30-degree temperatures came knocking recently, I woke up ice-bath fast. I should have been better prepared, checking temperatures before heading out. And maybe I should have left my dog at home. Led by the sun, I wore Saturday morning pajamas under my winter jacket, and walked my dog to the holiday market. A market that, in the end, wasn’t open until the next day. And with fingers and paws already frozen, we had no choice but to hightail it home.

And once warm, I really thought about things. I felt like a horrible dog mom, having made my pup cry from the cold—even as I carefully warmed each of his paws between my bare hands. This, the morning after I’d also texted a fella to see if he was curious about me. Because I was curious about him. I messed that up too. And when everything felt heavy, I made soup and cleansed the air.

Because this wasn’t just any fella. He was a beautiful soul and someone I had been interested in for a while. And there had been some communication, but minimal. On a Friday night, I texted a silly bunch of words after a few drafts, deletions, and tweaks.

I texted, “I’m into you. Are you curious?” And pressed send.

Not long after, a kind and polite response returned, helping to close the door on my way out of a cringe-worthy and embarrassing exchange.

How these two scenarios are connected is simple: it came down to being intentional and thoughtfully planning things out.

And I hadn’t. In either case.

So, all this laziness was an alarm bell, waking me up to reality.

Truth be told, like many of us are, I was still in a deep freeze as I tried to figure out my true feelings. And instead of clever, word-smithy texts, I decided I could use warmer, slower, intentional, and more thoughtful words.

Now was the time to apply so much of what I had been learning about being truly present. About embracing what was real and precious in the moment—like the beautiful act of inviting a soul into our life, and inviting our soul into theirs.

For a visit.

For a lifetime.

Author of six popular books, Jeff Brown consistently reminds us that, “Deep feeling levels the playing field. Love is the great equalizer.”

But, we need to feel deeply now, or we will remain frozen here, missing out on true love connections. We can transform with intentional self-love to help us know ourselves—you know, be alone doing solitary things, with love and kindness. We can then offer this to someone else, and truly mean it. No posturing.

Here are more ways we can warm up and be real when inviting someone into our lives:

Be clear about whether this is a real situation.

Ask ourselves if this is something we really want to pursue. Is the person we are thinking about real or imagined? If they are real, as in we have already spent some time together, then think about the connection, and the potential to get messy together. We may also want to consider if our connection feels safe, trusting, fun, and open for deep and lasting growth.

If our person is imagined, and we’ve never met them, please take time to consider other options, including investing in people closer to home, people we’ve met, people we know for certain are not claiming they’re available when they are anything but. Some people do manage to have an entire relationship without ever meeting, and this is called a textlationship. Most dating apps encourage users to meet in real life as soon as they feel comfortable, but this does not always happen for a variety of reasons. So, this can be a risky option, not to mention soul-draining. Please be careful here—if something does not feel right, it likely isn’t.

Get messy.

Jeff Brown further explains that, “We can’t find our path without getting messy. Messy comes with the territory. We came in messy. We learn messy. We love messy. We leave messy. I never found my way to clarity without first befriending confusion, in all its chaotic forms. I never found a path that felt like home before falling into quick-sand.”

This means we can be our messy selves on our messy path to “enrealment.”

Share love.

Share love and kindness on our journey. It builds self-confidence, warmth, and trust-feelings, and it is incredibly contagious. People will be drawn to our realness because it’s truly a beautiful thing to be around. Being ourselves fully will take away the need to be anyone else, or needing anyone else to fill space. We’ll find that there won’t be a need to ask anyone out formally, because our connections with others will become lighter and easier than that. Things will happen spontaneously when we open our hearts.

With love, we won’t be defined by how we are received in another’s eyes.

All that matters is how our own love completes us.