Stop using communication blocks to relate to your friends it’s killing your relationships. We’ve all been in a position where we’ve had a close friend come to us while in a crisis and seeking a shoulder to lean on, seethe to, or just get a fresh perspective on a situation.

Inadvertently, we can sometimes be insensitive to the plight of a friend and use limiting language to poorly articulate any empathy or compassion. I’ve done it, countless times without realizing it, I’ve been a really bad friend because of poor communication. This can trickle into other types of relationships we have, where we employ poor communication techniques that lead to misunderstandings and arguments.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt minimized or diminished by a friend I’ve turned to, to vent my frustration or emotional upheaval. One such time was last year during Spring.

I’d just discovered that I had severe anemia and was experiencing some very adverse symptoms as a result. I was living in France at the time, and naturally, the only person I wanted to talk to was my mother. I called her, after explaining my plight she responded that I was sick because I refuse to have God in my life.

She used my weakness as a means to dig at me for abandoning Christianity which she deems a mortal sin and one immediately punishable by illness. Distraught I sought a friend out just to express my hurt and frustration with my fanatic mother, instead of understanding, I was met with language that sought to castigate me for even having a negative emotional response to what my mother said.

It compounded my grief, one of the most important things for me in any relationship is understanding and, at that moment, I felt marooned and bereft. How could two people that profess to care for me treat me so callously in speech and offer no words of encouragement or support?

A lesson was there though, that some people simply don’t know how to relate to another person with effective communication. It led me to also take an audit of my style of communicating when I’m the person listening.

I’ve learned a few things about being a better communicator and by extension a better friend, lover, family member, human when it comes to effectively being a listening ear and shoulder to lean on.

Time for some listicle goodness.

5 Ways You’re Using Communication Blocks

1. Stop asking “Why” questions.

Your friend isn’t on trial, so when they come to you in a particularly vulnerable state subjecting them to an inquisition is the opposite of being supportive. Why questions put people on edge and make them defensive. Especially if your friend is confiding something emotionally jarring for them or explaining a stance of action they took and instead of listening to understand their perspective you ask them why. They don’t need to defend their actions to you, what they need is a supportive and listening ear.

2. Stop giving quick reassurance.

A sure-fire way to make someone clam up and feel like they don’t matter is to dole out hasty reassurance. While some friends may seek that out, use emotional intelligence to discern whether or not it’s warranted based on the situation being discussed. Don’t listen to respond. Listen to grasp where your friend is coming from and then only console when necessary, give reassurance for situations where they seem like they are doubting themselves but not as a means to shut them up or move the conversation along.

3. Stop giving unsolicited advice.

Unless you were sought out for your sage wisdom, save it. Not every conversation is an opportunity for you to play Dr. Phil. You are not your friend’s therapist, and it is not your job to offer advice based on your limited perspective and understanding of their current predicament. I’ve had to learn this the hard way. I always felt embolden to share my opinion of what I think should be done to mitigate whatever problem a friend was having.

Even now, I have to remember when to hold my tongue, and sometimes I forget but you must leave your advice at the door because it is not a one-size-fits-all. Whatever advice you can give will be more suited to addressing your issues, unless you’re a professional therapist and your friend comes to you, even then, wait until prompted to dish out the how-to cure-all guide.

4. Stop Patronizing Your Friend

How many times have you confided in a friend when you’re ‘all the fucked up’ about something and the first response was “I understand how you feel?” Stop it. No, you do not. You may have found yourself in a similar predicament one time ago but your emotional landscape is not laid out like anyone else’s. Instead, acknowledge that your friend is clearly in some emotional turmoil and seek to understand and not respond or launch into your tale of woe. Because sometimes doing this can make a person clam up.

5. Stop Minimizing

We all experience, process, and catalog our emotions differently. Five people can have the exact event happen to them at the exact time and still express varying accounts of the emotional upheaval they felt. So, when your friend explains something that was traumatic for them or had a deep emotional impact don’t be the asshole that tells them it could be worse or that’s not a big deal.

Again, I’ve been guilty of this and it’s learning about these limiting communication tactics that have made me more mindful of the type of language I use when speaking with my friends about anything affecting them. No one wants to be told that their emotions aren’t valid because you’re looking at the situation through your myopic lens — it’s reductive and disrespectful.

Just be fucking better.

Practice Mindful Communication

When communicating be mindful of your words, the way you frame your questions and leave the judgment at the door. Don’t lean unto your understanding and personal biases, and more importantly, avoid projection.

Instead, employ these communication techniques:

Active Listening

Engage in what your friend has to say which means eliminating distractions including your errant thoughts or judgments on what they are saying. Be present at the moment, keep eye contact, give the appropriate verbal cues, ask questions that prompt for more information and focus your attention. Don’t do most of the talking if they are baring their soul to you. Listen to understand and not to respond.

Reflective Listening

Let’s say you’re discussing a conundrum your friend has found themselves in. Perhaps they are explaining the situation and the motivations they had when reacting to the situation if you’re unsure of something use reflective listening to paraphrase what they were saying so that they can explain again. This also helps them to understand their perspective and gives them insight into their motives and helps you better understand.

Empathetic Listening

Tune into your friend’s mood and what emotions are being stirred as they recount their story or problem. Pay attention to the state they are in and respond accordingly. Remember your personal bias and judgment should never come into play. Instead, acknowledge their emotions and offer support.

Your friend came to you because they trust you so make them feel understood not mediated.