I’ve been thinking a lot about the words should and shouldn’t. They set expectations for us and others when used in innocent conversations that wouldn’t be there otherwise. Think about the last time you celebrated a big moment in life: a milestone birthday, marriage, a big trip, a new baby. How many times did you get unsolicited advice? How many times did it start with “you should do this,” or “Oh! You should go to XYZ Bakery!?” We even do it to ourselves.  We say things like, “I’m 40 now. I should start eating more vegetables and I shouldn’t eat sugar anymore.” This should and shouldn’t are very well intended, I know. They are so eloquently used in everyday conversation that we find it normal. Until we don’t. Until all those should’s pass by and we haven’t done them, or we know we shouldn’t have let two hours go by, but they did. Now our 5-year-old is glued to another Toy Story movie, but, it’s the one with Forky, so now you kind of want to watch it too, and you let it slide.

The point is that all the shoulds and shouldn’ts are expectations set for us and others unintentionally. They are words that set us up for defeat; expectations set too high without meaning to be. What if, instead, your friend said, “Oh I’ve been there! XYZ Bakery is yummy. Go ahead in if you find the time.” Suddenly, heading into the delicious bakery is a choice you can make for yourself without any feelings of guilt if you find yourself at an outside cafe with a bottle of wine instead. Or,what if your friend, who is a seasoned mom, said this: “Congrats on the new baby! Did you know that newborns love looking at black and white pictures even more than the TV right now? Their minds are fascinating!” Now. Now you are armed with some wonderful knowledge so you can choose what to do with your new baby!

A yoga teacher of mine recently said, “Stop should’ing on yourself.” It’s a great play on words. Whitty, even. Seriously, though. Why give that word so much power? Yes, I should eat more veggies, but I know that it’s realistically not going to happen everyday, so why even say it? I sure as shit don’t want to set myself up for defeat before I even get started. Do you? I’m sure you don’t.

So, what is the best way to get these shoulds and shouldn’ts out of our vocabulary? Deep listening. It’s not easy. It’s super beneficial though. Try and listen without interruption or formulating a response just to fill the silence when your friend has stopped speaking. Listen. Absorb. Save the reaction and response for later. Once we become in tune to what the person we are with is really communicating, we will then become more clear in our response. Should and shouldn’t will probably slip out. It takes practice. And with this deep listening practice will come better connection without should’ing on ourselves or others.

Peace and XO,

Dawn