Dear Dirty Old Men,

I see you lurking around, situating yourself so that you can watch me move. I feel your eyes burning into the back of me as I walk away. I see your silly smile. I feel you getting a little close, inhaling slow and deep to take me in. I see your reflection in the glass door as I reach to open it, whipping around to get a second look at my ass. I notice how you wanna talk to and smile at me.

And it’s FINE. I love it. I wanna talk to you, too. I wanna laugh. I think you’re fascinating – especially if you’re way different than I am and come from an entirely different reality. I will even pause for a moment, while pretending to look away, in front of your chair so that you can drink it in proper.

When I am feeling sexy, I know that I’m exuding sexy. When I’m in a fantastic mood, I have ridden my bike, drank a beer, unzipped my hoodie for cleavage appeal, applied shimmer to my lips, slipped into some strut-walking boots, and flirted with someone, I feel good. I am in touch with my sexual prowess; my inner cougar. You noticing it, feeds it. It makes me sexier.

I’m doing it for me. It improves my sex life. Me feeling sexy also improves the sex life of my lover. It does not, however, allow you liberties to touch me, harass me, frighten me, or intimidate me with sexual threats. Those are power moves on your part. Nobody likes feeling powerless without a safe word.

Women often must find creative ways to defend themselves. A recent favorite quote of mine: “I’m sorry I was acting so crazy while you were treating me that way”.

Don’t take advantage of my sexy. Don’t assume just because I look like I want it, I want it from YOU. I do want it. Very much. And as I walk around my day filling my cup with positive sexual energy that I am personally creating for myself, I am then going to bring it home to my man and rock.his.world.

If I flirt with you in line getting coffee, you ask to sit with me, I smile and say, thanks so much, but I’m married, don’t have an emotional meltdown. Don’t get mad at me. You’re dampening my sexy. In fact, you’re grossing me out. Why are you angry? You don’t have to end up putting your dick in everything you like. If that’s the case, stick to persimmons.

Men are telling me that they are just terrified in this day and age to do or say the wrong thing to a woman for fear of offending them or being falsely accused of something. I know that exists. I understand that there are women who will take advantage of men, spend their money and pull the power out from under their feet. I also understand there are frigid women with sexual and emotional trauma who will find everything offensive. I think you can pick them out if you get to know them a few minutes – or days. It also means being accountable for your own actions and not denying it when you’re inappropriate.

Sometimes women do these things because they are crazy. Before coming to that conclusion, please consider how you might be coming across. Are women consistently rude to you? Have you ever been in accused of inappropriate sexual conduct? Are all of your ex-girlfriends “crazy”?

Here are a few tips on how to avoid offending women…

You are a target if you are extremely flirtatious with women, and especially women 23-40 with gym bodies. Do you flirt with women in their 80s? Do you flirt with women your own age? How about dowdy women with purple hair who check out your groceries? They’re the ones who would appreciate it. And they will flirt back.

You are a target if you touched them without asking – and then later deny your sleazy intentions. If you enjoyed making her squirm when you reached over to “pick something off of her sweater,” you will pay for that. She will come up with a way of getting you back even if right now she’s not slapping you across the face or putting you in a chokehold.

You are a target if you try to date anyone who works for you. You have to be downright saintly and perfectly mannered if you don’t want something pinned to you. This allows you to be accused of favoritism, and if you err too far on the opposite end, you will be accused of holding her back. Nobody wants to be slighted, and only prostitutes expect more money and privilege for sexual favors. Rather than jumping at the opportunity to fuck, you should consider her intentions. Rumor has it that men will do anything for oral sex and that they think with their dicks. Prove us wrong.

You are a target when you flash your money around and brag about your jaunt to the Caymans and your new Tesla. Gold diggers are watching. Start a pattern of spoiling with cash, fancy dates, and jewelry, well, expectations rise as time progresses. You’re going to have to keep producing at that level.

You are a target if you have a dishonest reputation. Nobody believes you because you are full of shit. You probably spend a lot of time trying to prove yourself, so there’s no way you will admit to any type of wrong-doing, even if you are caught red-handed in the red snapper.

So be honest. Have integrity. Pay attention to people’s reactions to you, and if you find yourself hating people, maybe you’re the one who’s not cool.