The famous entertainer, Jimmy Durante once sang a song, “Make Someone Happy.” This was in an era in which, perhaps, we were less sophisticated about relationships. There was an emphasis on finding the love of your life, marrying that person, having children with that person… and then, living “happily ever after” with them.

If we play the song today, at first listen, it seems to be a happy little ditty, an innocent tune.

But I hear something potentially darker, even self-negating.

“It’s so important to
Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy;
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you,
One girl you’re ev’rything to.
Fame if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where’s the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you’ve found her, build your world around her.
Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy,
And you will be happy, too.”
See anything?
Let’s explore these lyrics a little more.
“It’s so important to
Make someone happy…”

Innocuous sentiment.

What’s the harm in that?

Can’t we all agree that, yes, it is important to spread joy to others? But do we make others happy, at our expense?

Ah, there’s the dilemma.

For how many of us sacrifice ourselves, hurt ourselves, all in the name of making someone happy?

What do we swallow, suppress, hide, lie about or refuse to discuss?

Think about it.

“…Make just one someone happy…”

Why can’t that “just someone” be you and me? Why does it always have to be someone else, “other?”

Here’s where we seem to place tremendous value on external, “other” validation. Something isn’t real unless and until it’s outside of us, garnering the impact and acclaim of someone else.

“Making someone happy” falls under that heading.

“…Make just one heart the heart you sing to,
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you…”

Again, why can’t that be you and me?

Why does it always have to be someone else?”

And here’s another sticky point: why is there all emphasis placed on creating a happy moment? What if, for example, we needed to have a “come to Jesus” discussion about less pleasant, but necessary, issues like money and interpersonal challenges?

Many of us may have never heard Durante’s song lyrics, yet, how many of us place sole importance on making everything happy, at the expense of other important- and needed- emotions and circumstances?

How many times have issues not been appropriately handled because the jolly smile was what was viewed as the most important thing to achieve?

“…One girl you’re ev’rything to…”

Oh, dear! Here we go! Unrealistic “Everything?” Really?

Yes, I suppose, once upon a time, there existed the concept that a person was your everything. And, in the first infatuated stages of love, that can feel real. It can feel doable.

But eventually, life and love move on… at least they should move on, anyway. Bills need to get paid. Someone needs to go to the dentist. There are obligations, PTA meetings, someone needs to take Fluffy to the vet for her shots. The stuff of life.

And let’s not forget the other relationships we have in our lives: family, friends, co-workers, etc. There are numerous ways for each of us to find fulfillment, besides lumping it all on one single person. Doing just that is unfair and a recipe for failure.

Just wait. The “everything” promise, attached to any single human being, is a countdown clock for disappointment and heartbreak.

And, on a side note, expecting “the little woman” to fulfill every need, hope and dream, is misogynistic and unrealistic. Before we dismiss this as merely, an anachronistic lyric of its time, we still, if we’re honest, catch ourselves expecting nothing short of everything from the females in our lives: our mothers, wives, girlfriends, some “Superwoman,” who will magically swoop in and fix all of our problems.

Where’s that countdown clock of imminent failure? I hear it ticking.

“…Fame if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute….”

Agreed.

“…Where’s the real stuff in life to cling to?…”

Is “other” more real than us, all by ourselves?

What value, exactly, do we place on doing the deeply personal work involving ourselves? Therapy, facing issues, working on our personal growth? Any points for that?

Or, is it all about finding that perfect, “love of your life,” expecting him or her to perfect your “everything?”

Everything is meaningless and on pause until that happens? Really?

“…Love is the answer…”

Okay, sure. It is an answer…

But, as wonderful as love can be, there are other worthwhile things as well: personal development, goalsetting, discovery and adventure. These things can exist without the “love of a life” happening.
Just saying.

“…Someone to love is the answer…”

Again, if we pin all importance, all meaning of life, onto one sole individual to love, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. Loving connection with a person is important, but it should never replace us doing our own work, the hard work of personal inventory, growth, developing healthy self-esteem, spirituality, goals and talents. “Loving someone” isn’t going to cut it if we have nothing, in and of ourselves, to offer that someone.

And of course, we need to love ourselves before we seek that “other” someone to love. Doing that work is a big part of “the answer.”

“…Once you’ve found her, build your world around her…”

Again, could you please build your own world around yourself first?

Our sense of self must first be there. How will we know who is the fitting person for us to love if we are completely clueless about who we are?

We tend, especially in this culture, to believe that we are some unfinished half of a puzzle, just waiting to find our corresponding soul mate, the completing other half of the puzzle.

Our dream man. Our dream woman.

And they are out there. Oh, yes! We just need to keep looking for them. Meanwhile, we neglect to discover and know ourselves.

And because of that neglect, we are far from the dream, ourselves. In fact, if we’re being honest, our clueless puzzle pieces, woefully ignorant of what truly makes us tick, are NIGHTMARES to behold!

We have failed to build our own world around who we truly are, single, autonomous.

“…Make someone happy…”

How about having it be you first, without any other “them?”

“…Make just one someone happy…”

Again, how about having it be you, all by yourself, first?

“…And you will be happy, too…”

Let’s just eliminate the middleman.

It’s not about being selfish, self-indulgent or Narcissistic. It’s about taking care of who we are, in real ways, without involving someone else. There are certain things that are our responsibility… and no one else’s.

Unfortunately, we often abdicate that throne, while saddling someone else with the burden of “making us happy.” When we do this, inevitably, sooner or later, everyone in the picture will be miserable.

Love oneself.
Know oneself.
Tend to thine own garden.
You cannot pour from an empty cup.

We hear these things frequently because there is always truth in them. It’s about first things being first.

We need to make ourselves happy first… and then find ways to spread THAT around!

Let’s start singing those lyrics.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse
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