I love Matthew Hussey.

For those who have never heard of him, Matthew is a life coach and the love expert we all need in our lives. Listening to his talks for the past couple of years has been soothing and super helpful.

This guy doesn’t tell you what you want to hear. Instead, he never fails to strike a chord with his blunt honesty and much-needed truth.

In one of his recent talks, a guy from the crowd asks him what it takes to get over an ex who has already moved on. They stayed together for six years, the breakup was painful, and he has been finding it difficult to let it go. I surely expected nothing less than an answer that will bring a lot of people back to their senses—including Roy, the guy from the crowd.

Matthew said so many beautiful things that I would love to tackle. However, one part, in particular, has caught my attention, and I spent my night ruminating on how true, sad, yet liberating it is.

“It’s incredibly painful. Part of the pain is you continuing to convince yourself that this must on some level have been the right person, and that your right person is now with someone else.

Now, I don’t believe that. I believe that the right person can only be the right person when it’s two people choosing each other. So part of the pain we hold on to is believing still that we had this jewel that’s gone. And as much as we may have loved someone, as much as we may have thought someone was incredible—they may have had wonderful qualities, we may have been incredibly attracted to them, they may have been all these great things—they cannot represent that true dream relationship if they don’t choose you.”

I stopped in my tracks. I paused the video, then repeated it again. Listening to the truth has never felt so satisfying. How I wish I knew this back when I thought that the present moment with the person I love is all that matters. Let it bring what it may; what counts is my breath against his.

I may have disregarded quite an important detail in the past. Most of us disregard it still: it’s not the present moment that counts in love, it’s the quality of choices and decisions made in the present moment. What is the use of a happy moment if an agonized one precedes it?

Only now I understand this. I know the pain, trust me. I know what it feels like to be a Roy. The agony of having to let go of the “right person” is discomforting beyond imagination. And no matter what the world tells you, you know deep inside that this person can’t be more right for you.

But how much do we really know when, at the end of the day, that person doesn’t choose us? Are they the right person still?

We may blame it on wrong timing or unfavourable circumstances—but we can’t keep blaming forever, can we? As Hussey says, the bigger part of our pain is still believing that we lost a “jewel.”

We battle this idea in our heads and find it challenging to look at that person in no less than a perfect image. Even when we stop seeing them, we put them on a pedestal still. And even though they chose not to be with us, we call them “right” for us.

Start with yourself. Really. Once we make the necessary inner work, it’s amazing how many unfavourable perspectives we leave behind. It never felt so liberating when I realized that the “right person” only existed in my head. In reality, that person couldn’t be more wrong for me.

Through working on my self-worth, defining my standards, and looking at reality the way it is, I’ve come up with an entirely different notion on loving the right person.

If you ask me, my partner has been the right person for me for the last two years. Not because we’re attracted to each other or we make really good friends. He’s the right person because he chooses every single day to be with me. Regardless of our few differences or disagreements, what makes our relationship right is our choice to be together—everything else is manageable.

If you want a “true dream relationship,” it’s time to redefine what the right person really means to you. Is it about how this person makes us feel, or is it about what this person is ready to put on the table?

True love is far beyond emotions and words. It’s more about presence and rightful actions.

We find the right person when our ideas on love become right. And if we want to let go of the wrong person, we should first let go of the wrong notions we have of them in our minds.