I was ready to waste a perfect sunny day by working from home because I was numb. I couldn’t even feel the sunshine on my skin as I pulled up the curtain. But then I got reminded of a nice bakery where there is plenty of sunlight and dessert. I have some amazing memories preserved there. But my life is not a cheesy movie.

I cannot throw everything in the air and just hit snooze.

In all honesty my career is in the doldrums. Even though I find small joys in pulling up a curtain to feel something more, most of the times I have to work in all seriousness and sacrifice all the fun.

I did not do anything wrong to deserve this so why was this happening to me? Most of the time, I had incorporated discipline into my life. So why was I feeling so numb and why was my career going downhill?

Going to a bakery, at this point, would be a great change. But if I let go of this solid routine, then I have to wait for inspiration to hit me back at some point later. And I am not ready to go down that road. THAT ROAD – YOU KNOW. The one where I cannot balance work and play because I am waiting for inspiration to strike. And I destroy everything that comes my way.

I must keep evolving through this numbness, I told myself. I was at the cusp of calling quits on this journey many a time. And I may have quit a number of times. I may have seen more failure than anyone my age. I was always defending myself to those who were on the cusp of quitting.

I became quite accustomed to oscillating between feeling bad about myself and getting up again and again. But there was always a silver lining.

So this year, I just aimed for the silver lining. Instead of waking up in that numbness and connecting with someone else‘s numbness, I chose to rather focus on what is it that will change how my story ends this year. What is going to change inside me this year?

So how did I pull myself apart from the crowd?

I did not imagine reaching some end goal. I simply came back to the present – no matter how ugly that was.

I was lucky that I was not in the doldrums in some strange office. There at least, when the universe is sending signs our way to look up, we tend to ignore them all. Working so many hours a week is bound to make us feel as though we just ran a marathon. We determine our worth by selling ourselves short. Office-goers work 14 hours a day multiplied by 5-6 days a week, sometimes 7.

I was lucky to have a family that did not want me to be slightly evolved. Less is not more in my house.

It does not mean that life is going to be a curtain-pulling, sunrise-staring, bakery-going cheesy story. It means that I choose to remain a small fish in a big pond for a long, long time because I see things differently – at least that I know.

It means knowing that even though everyone is a big fish around me and has fun going to the movies or the flee markets, I don‘t want to copy them already. I feel okay with that.

It means that on days when I cannot see beyond the reality, beyond the numb-ness, there will still be a dream that is going to keep pushing me to move forward, even though that dream will only be seen by me.