In my head I was always calculating the number of calories I was consuming, which included my wine. I would always pass on dessert if that meant I could drink more. I would trade sweets for wine any day.

I had no problem ordering a glass of wine while others ordered their crème brulee. I patted myself on the back, actually, because I would tell myself that eating all of that sugar was FAR worse than the little glass of wine I was ordering (on top of the 3 or 4 I had previously).

Truth was, I would far prefer being drunk than be full.

There were many nights I drank my dinner at home. I would start drinking wine and without intention, lose my appetite for food. I would once again remind myself that was a good thing. Eating dinner on top of the three glasses of wine I just drank would be far worse. I was thankful that I lost my appetite and one more glass of wine was far better than eating a whole meal. It was about saving calories, like in Weight Watchers. This is how you do it, right?

Truth was, I would far prefer being drunk than be full.

I would then use the fact that I didn’t eat dinner to explain and justify to myself why I felt like total garbage the next day. It wasn’t because I drank too much. It was because I didn’t eat. I need to make sure I eat next time, Silly!

This cycle of DISTORTED thinking went on for years and years. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. It wasn’t until I got sober that I was able to look back and see how insane and crazy that thinking was. That is the precious mind of a person in an abusive and toxic relationship with alcohol. That person was me.

I am grateful today that I will be properly nourishing my body and mind tonight to give it the strength and energy it deserves. Oh, and I’m already excited about waking up without a hangover.?

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