Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. What’s wrong with you? I wonder why I can’t let go? Why I can’t let you go. I wonder why I hope. Hope that you wake up. Hope that you see who you could be and see who you currently are. I hope you see the gap – the massive, massive gap of lost chances. Lost potential.  I hope you see the truth. I hope you want to change as much as I want you to change. I hope my fears can prop their feet up in front of a fire so I can…rest. I hope you learn to take over the job of worrying about yourself rather than making it my full-time job. I hope…you learn to be kind.

Sometimes I dream. I dream of what our lives could be if you could see yourself the way I see you. I dream of better days. I dream of a future. I dream of peace. I dream of joy. I dream you realize what has been in front of you this entire time. Sometimes I dream you see how hard I have tried and you thank me. Thank me for caring. Thank me for choosing to show up over and over.

You…you haven’t been easy. You haven’t made it easy for me at all.

But…you have been honest to me. Your words aren’t always honest of course, but your actions are. You are predictably unpredictable. You prove over and over again that I shouldn’t expect to know what to expect. You are honest in your creation of chaos. You remain true to your quest of pulling me back in and pushing me away. You are honest in showing me that there is only one person you worry about and that person isn’t me.

But…still I try.

Sill.

I.

Try.

When I pull the covers over my head each night, I know in my heart of hearts that you are more honest than me. You show me who you are. You tell me who you are. You continue to be the same person over and over and over again. You tell me what I want to hear. You avoid responsibility. You make everything my fault. You continue to make bad choices. You can continue, you continue, you continue to be…you.

I don’t want to believe you.

My words don’t lie, but my ego does. My ego whispers sweetly in my ear and promises me if I try hard enough your future will be different. My ego convinces me I am God. That your change, your moods, your choices, your anger, your…soul is somehow under my power. My ego…my ego lies to me. It convinces me I haven’t found the words to say. I haven’t found the right book. I haven’t told the right advocate. I haven’t found you the right therapist. I haven’t convinced your friends and family to intervene. I haven’t found the right treatment, the right conversation, the right move to make things right.

My ego lies… so I don’t see you for who you really are.

I want to see you for who you could be, can be. I want to see you grow and blossom and thrive. I want to see you smile – really, truly smile. Not smile because you are trying to get something out of me. Not smile because you need to charm me to cover over another round of hurt. Not smile because you’ve found yet another way to power over me. Not smile at a joke at my expense. Not smile because you realized once again you found a way to get the people around you to do what you want them to do. I don’t want you to smirk at your power.

I want you to smile at me.

I want to know the hard work of loving you has paid off. But…my ego lies. Why? Why do I think if I love hard enough, hope hard enough and work hard enough you…will…change? My ego told me if I cared enough, then I could convince other people to care. I could convince you to care. I thought I could be selfless enough for both of us. I believe if my caring was honest enough, kind enough…it would work. I thought my love was powerful.

I feel so powerless. Helpless. Tired. Afraid. Do I dare face the mirror? Do I dare face that I disguised my worry and called it love? Do I dare accept that wanting you to change your need to control is about my need to be in control? Do I dare accept the lie that if I was good enough, then I would be good enough to save you?

Do I dare accept you are already the person you want to be? Do I accept this is what you are choosing? This is who you are choosing to be? Do I dare accept the possibility that all my efforts, my words, my hopes, my dreams, my pain is all for nothing? Does it make me a failure?

Do I let you go? Allow you to be who you are rather than who I hope you will be? Who I know you can be. Do I let go of the lie that I can be good enough to be chosen? Do I? What do I do? How do I do it? Why do I have to do it? Maybe if I can just get you to see how hard I am trying this will all go away? Don’t you see how hard I am trying? Don’t you see…me? Here? Getting kicked down and picking myself back up over and over and over again… for you?

I…I…I… can’t do this anymore.

Despite my tears, despite my fear, I have to learn to let you go. Despite…my heart. I have to say goodbye to the lie of my ego. I just can’t get it right in a way that will make your life right. Right…in my eyes. Oh God! How do I accept that this life you have chosen is right in your eyes? How do I accept this is good enough for you? Does this make you…happy? Do you feel good about who you are?

I call it love. I call it caring. I call it hoping. But maybe, just maybe it’s because I’m so afraid of giving up. Of giving in. I know I can sound spiritual and say I’m letting go. Maybe I can convince myself I’m doing the right thing. Maybe…

I’m afraid. Afraid of the danger you are to me. I’m afraid of the danger you are to yourself. I’m afraid of the danger your words, your hands, your soul, can inflict on others. Maybe part of me thought if I kept your anger focused on me I could save someone else. Or maybe I’m just tricking myself. Maybe this is just my ego thinking I was worth changing for. Thinking my love was enough. Thinking I was enough. Thinking I could be the light place that lit up your dark soul and you would thank me forever.

My heart is breaking.

I never thought of myself as a quitter. I’ve always prided myself on being loyal. Of not throwing in the towel just because things got hard. But this… this… this… is killing me. I’m so sorry I couldn’t figure it out. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better. I’m sorry I’m not…enough. But I can’t keep going. Please forgive me. But I have to let go of my ego…

And save my soul.