The term “demisexual” is brand spanking new to me. 

I’m not sure where it came from, or who slapped the label on it, but I was absolutely relieved when I learned the word existed. It meant I didn’t have to feel like an outsider anymore.

Labels can be awful, but in this case, I am more than happy to be pigeon-holed as something other than a prude. When our odd sexual preference gets put into its own category, it means there are other people in there too!

It’s been three years since I discovered that beautiful word, and I’ve had fun discovering that a few of my friends also identify as demisexual (DM for short). But, beyond the label, I haven’t found much information to help others understand what it really means. This means a lot of confusion, blue balls, and hurt feelings.

Unfortunately, if someone is romantically interested in a DM and they don’t understand their particular preferences, they will likely stop the relationship from ever becoming sexual. If we can’t realize how much a DM enjoys sex, contrary to how it may seem, neither person will get what they want.

So what is a demisexual? 

A demisexual is a person who does not become sexually attracted to another person until after they form an emotional connection. In my case, no matter how good looking a guy is, or how great he is on paper, his penis does not cross my mind until we’ve had at least five or six good dates. Even then, my preference is to avoid anything beyond kissing as long as possible—usually two to three months. Some DMs need a strong emotional connection before getting busy, and it can take a while to make it there.

Due to America’s hyper-sexualized mindset, this marathon can be hard to find a running-mate for.

Some questions I have been asked:

“So, you have to be in love to have sex?”

No.

“Do you have to be in a committed relationship to have sex?”

No.

“Ok, let’s say you had an incredible first date with a perfect guy. Would you consider having sex that night?”

It would be impossible for me to even conceive of it.   

I don’t care if he’s Brad Pitt, Prince Charming, or Dominick Thompson. Emotional connection is rarely made overnight.

What is the gosh darn rush people? 

It’s not a matter of holding off on sex because of some moral obligation. For DMs, it boils down to complete lack of sexual attraction until an emotional connection is made. Before then, the thought of sex is almost repulsive. They might think you’re cute, funny, and great at kissing, but sex? 

Keep your pants on sir, we hardly know each other!

A few months ago I connected with a guy who lived on Maui—a 30 minute plane ride from the island of Oahu where I live. We met on a dating app and he invited me to come to spend the afternoon with him. I did and we had an incredible time exploring together.   

We talked very openly about relationships, sex, and dating. I told him that I was a DM and explained to him that I loved sex, but simply need time to warm up to people. He seemed to listen and understand, although I’ve learned most people cannot relate to this phenomenon. 

When he dropped me off at the airport, I found out my flight home was canceled and the next one out wasn’t until the next morning. He told me he’d love for me to stay and that he would respect my slower pace regarding sex. I found it very thoughtful of him to say that and my judge of his character told me it was safe. Since I love cuddling, I went. 

When we went to bed it was an incredibly divine way to end a perfect day. Getting to lay close and wrap our arms around each other, I was pretty smitten. We’d had such a special day, and now we were enjoying each other’s warmth and gentle touch. We kissed and cuddled and I very much looked forward to where our connection was going.

Our kissing got more intense and before I knew it he was on top of me grinding his crotch on my pelvic bone. Of course, I understood he would want to have sex, most people would in this situation. 

I’m the one with eccentric preferences. So I gently reminded him, “Remember what I said about sex?”

As he continued to dry hump me, he said, “Let me please you.” 

At that moment, any attraction (sexual or otherwise) I had building up inside of me went out like a smokeless candle.  Poof!

What I said next, I wish I could download into the brain of every person wanting to have sex with a DM. 

“Nothing would have pleased me more than if you had actually listened to what I said about my sexual preferences. You blew it, sir.”

The number one thing DMs need is time. Emotional connection always takes time. They don’t need flowers. They don’t need fancy dates. They don’t need cute and clever text messages throughout the day (although it helps). 

So what do DMs need? If it’s not love, then what is it?

I understand your frustration and confusion.

Many people hear “emotional connection” and think it’s about courtship and love. That’s not the case unless that’s the case with your particular DM. Everyone is different, but most demisexuals just need a lot of time, and that means tons of patience from their suitors.

What needs to happen at that time? It’s almost a magic formula that can’t be written into a perfect recipe, but you’ve got to laugh together a lot. You’ve got to show you’re consistent and trustworthy. Show your vulnerable side. Share what’s important to you. 

Many DMs will friend-zone people they’re interested in right from the start—making it clear as mud for the possible lover—it’s safer for them!

What’s kryptonite to a demisexual? 

Treat them like you would a new friend. Ask them questions and listen to their answers. They often feel misunderstood by a world moving too fast. Slow down and connect with them. Human to human—soul to soul. Show interest in everything about them, everything but their genitalia.

Now, could this article be a way for posers to manipulate and trick a DM into sleeping with them? Nope, they’re much too smart for that. It’s actually one reason they wait. People with the wrong intentions never make it past a DM’s vetting process. They don’t have the patience for it! 

Believe me, I’m doing everyone a favor by leaking the secret ways to attract and seduce a DM. 

Demisexuals are some of the best lovers on the planet. They’re creative, passionate, giving, and surprisingly kinky. They also don’t come with a lot of baggage since they typically have fewer notches than the average person.

Pro tip: 

Once a connection is made, don’t ruin it with what might seem like harmless sexual advances. Hoping that your potential lover will forgo their ideals and jump into something they aren’t fully ready for isn’t sexy. The sad part is that sometimes DMs do give in to someone they like. But, what they end up giving is only a fraction of what they’re capable of.

When DMs have sex too soon, they bring their doubt, awkwardness, and fear into the bedroom.

If you’re one of the patient ones to gracefully advance to the final level, be ready. The anticipation alone will cause both of you to come together like a couple of tantric sex students studying for their final exam. After your first session, you’ll be making up for time lost like two nymphos ending a year-long sex sabbatical.

I promise you, it’s worth the wait!

Having a DM as a lover will make you wonder if you ever really had good sex before. Besides, you might even appreciate that, for once, you waited and got to know somebody before joining in that sacred dance. 

So go ahead and find yourself a beautiful, mysterious demisexual—they’re out there, literally waiting for it.