My dear grandson,

Breaking the ancestral cycle

As you’ve lifted this book, blew the dust off its cover & Now, are reading this first line, I believe you to be of age: neither too old, having lost your curious nature, nor too young, to appreciate the value in my words. You must know that, this very moment, I’m both, relieved & concerned at the same time; relieved, because you might get an idea of who I was, & concerned, that your father continued the ancestral cycle I dedicated my life to break. This cycle, I’m referring to, is like a spinning wheel, predictable & stable, when fulfilling its purpose, yet reluctant to any change of direction & oblivious to its surroundings, to any obstacles or blessings on its path. If not broken, this wheel continues to turn, carried by its spokes, blurred by its rotation, deafened by turbulence & numbed, revolution by revolution. A wheel never rests, never asks, never doubts; it follows & leads by example, though unfounded & beyond reason. It does what it does best: stubbornly spin; cold, harsh & violent. Nonetheless, even the fastest wheel is bound to halt. Has it stopped in time though?  Will it maintain its balance? Will it fall? Is it meant to break? Or instead, will it lie sideways, facing the blue sky, witnessing the sun paint the clouds as it perishes for the moon to surface from the sea? Besides the sun & the moon rising, nothing in life is certain.

My Spiritual Path

I never knew what to expect after every twist & turn on my journey of almost seven years, a journey I call My Spiritual Path. However uncertain this path has been so far & will still continue to be, it had always been my choice to continue in search of unchained love, peace of mind & my true self. I was aware I could only walk it by myself. The only companions on this journey were the spirits of great minds from ancient times. I began to read their philosophical works because I was hoping to find a cure for my state. There was something terribly wrong with me, but I didn’t know what it was. The only loyal friend I found in my first of seven diaries; it was the only being I could confide in, that I could reveal myself to without feeling ashamed of myself, guilty for what I had done & pity for the opportunities I missed.

You aren’t my inspiration but my purpose

I started writing, not because of you, my dear grandson, but because of myself & only for myself. Everything that surfaced from deep within me, I never expected anybody to read. As much as I believed my experiences could help confused beings as I was, on their own paths, I missed both, the space & a purpose that justified the vulnerability I would expose myself to. You aren’t my inspiration, my dear grandson, but my purpose, my motivation to re-write my story. My book is dedicated to you.

On the Corona Virus

The space I needed in order to invest the necessary time & effort, the current Corona Virus crises is providing me with.

A few weeks ago, my sister & her partner arrived to Gold Coast. We are adhering to the government-imposed law of Social Distancing, not just to protect ourselves, but to save the elderly who created the world we are living in today. In these dire times, I’m writing to you, my dear grandson, to honour us, the elderly, the experienced, who had borrowed this earth already from their ancestors. It was they who re-built this world as we know it today following real times of war. Yet, this pandemic the entire world is affected by is no war we need to win but a test to humanity. I see potential for all of us & also for myself to expand our level of consciousness. Will these times urge us to reconsider our behaviour? Will we be able to surrender to causes beyond our control?

My struggle

During the early stages of growing more aware of myself & my environment, I experienced many moments of despair. The pain I went through was of my own cause, however. The thoughts created by my own mind kept me trapped in an incessant cycle of suffering. While I managed to let go of many desires, there is still one I struggle to surrender to & that is to when your grandmother will appear in my life. I applied every strategy imaginable to find her: no distance too long, no effort too big, yet still, every quest ended up unrewarded.

All along, I let myself believe that I had to meet your grandmother in order to find a reason to write this book as it is Now. But the truth is, that a mere love version of my book wouldn’t have added any significant value to your life.

Instead, I will tell you the story of how I became the man I’ve always wanted to become; the version of myself I’m utterly proud of. The part of my story worth sharing starts at a point in my life when I asked myself questions I had no answer to, including the question of whether I was a man at all.

On the reasons writing to you

Perhaps I’ve got selfish reasons to write to you. Perhaps neither this letter nor my book will serve you any good. Perhaps I’m writing only to cope with the enormous grief of knowing that you will never exist, that you will never read this.

Or perhaps I’m writing to you because I never got to know my grandfather, neither from my mother’s side nor from my father’s side. I had the privilege to have known the fourth husband of my grandmother, who behaved towards me as a true grandfather would. It never bothered me that we weren’t related by blood but what mattered to me was the guidance I received from him despite having virtually no memory of him. In all those years, ever since his passing, I’ve never forgotten him & particularly not, when I was driving my car in the winter & his leather gloves kept my hands warm.

Memories of my grandfather

The few vague memories I have of him in South Africa are significant though. I remember him pulling me out of the Indian ocean, saving me from drowning in the back current of the shore break in Umhlanga. I remember him walking beside me along the paved Golden Mile in Durban supporting my right shoulder with his big hand. I remember him walking through the house door upon returning from his pharmacy in Randburg. I remember his reassuring gaze at a magic show when I volunteered to stick my head into the lunette, the half-moon of a guillotine.

Male Guidance

I was too young to ever truly know him, but in memory of him, he not only warmed my hands in the winter but I felt his presence watching over me. I wish he had been part of my life; that he was there to have my back & to keep me safe in troubled waters. Instead, I lost my head, trembling. Ever since then, I have been living my life stumbling & falling, receiving no male guidance.

I might not ever get to know you, dear grandson; I might not be physically present in your life, but I hope I can be this memory for you that I wished to have of my grandfather. I wish I may guide you; perhaps not by walking beside you, with my hand supporting you, but perhaps through my hand holding a pen.

My truth; not necessarily yours

My words shall neither be any manual for life nor any book of rules to follow, but they shall inspire you to choose to live your own life; but, not just any life: a conscious one; a life of purpose, of choice & of abundance, loving & caring for others. My book conveys my insights; they are conclusions that I drew, that might ring true to some, but might be totally wrong to others. Choose what makes sense to you & try to integrate it into your life & your way of being.

This letter will also be the last time I will ever address you directly, & it is particularly because I want to refrain from telling you how to be & how you shall live your precious life. Nobody shall tell you what to do! No matter what might be presented to you, read diligently, listen patiently, observe ardently & act wisely. Don’t treat my words any differently; don’t believe anything I wrote unless it rings true to you. The sole purpose of this book is to tell you about how I became who I was, who I am this very moment & who I will have come to be upon finishing this book.

If you do agree to continue reading beyond this point, let me take you by your hand & walk you through my story of many rising suns & moons. Your story will unfold as you walk on your own: have Faith! Every twist & turn on your path will show whether the ancestral cycle had been broken or not; just witness it!

In loving anticipation of you,

Your Grandpa

Gareth William