Are human beings desirous or craving conflict always? Does conflict have a purpose, a meaning, to humans? A look at the long history of mankind with its arguments, skirmishes, battles, and wars would suggest that we cannot exist without conflict, irrespective of which century we are living in. Evolution, development, literacy, education, becoming civilized or cultured, richness, being able to manage our basic needs of food, water, shelter and clothing—irrespective of all these changes over the centuries, conflict seems to constantly rage. And conflicts occur at all levels—we see conflict between 2 individuals at its basic level and between nations, religions or groups at its highest level. From conflicts and arguments between spouses, to parents, to children, to neighbours, to colleagues, relatives to communities, states and nations, there seems to be no respite, to conflicts.

The nature of conflict might change. We need no longer take a club and bash another. Now warfare and conflict can be economic, biologic, radioactive, or nuclear. No need to send armies into the battle field. You can just press a nuclear button and achieve spectacular results. Likewise, there is no need for a husband and wife to slug it out at home with household items. The lawyers will do it for us, in court. But basically, though the modalities of conflict have undergone change, conflict itself remains unabated.

The world is, according to me, divided into those who need or crave conflict and those who crave peace and harmony, and a whole lot of people who exist between these 2 extremes. The one who desires conflict, is perhaps born with an inherent genetic need for conflict, or it might have been the way he has been brought up—its a toss up between nature and nurture, the truth probably being a mixture of both. And there are those who only want peace, harmony, status quo at any cost. The world largely is divided into the perpetrators of conflict and the victims of conflict. And these two groups seem to be attracting each other, and often come together. Perhaps, energetically, they know that they need the other, to heal themselves and become more like the other.

On an individual level, a person who has a desire, craving or appetite for conflict will be unhappy if there are long periods of peace. Likewise the one who wants harmony cannot tolerate long periods of conflict. Conflict helps the individual achieve something—maybe that’s how he achieves his power, his self-esteem, his self-worth, and his strength. In the absence of conflict, he feels useless and powerless. In order to bring about a conflict with another, he uses certain tools. We mistake these tools for someone’s nature or personality or character. But in reality, these are tools that the person who is looking for conflict uses, often unknowingly, to bring about a conflict.

These tools that one uses to cause conflict includes criticism, judgment, one-upmanship, superiority, anger, jealousy, greed, fear, righteousness, holding on to grudges, unforgiveness, the need for revenge, high moral values—basically if you possess these ego driven traits, it becomes so easy to enter into a conflict with anyone. For example, you are critical or judgmental or jealous of someone. You pass an adverse comment belittling that person. Unless that person is highly evolved, he or she will retort with defence, with arguments, and with a counter attack and a conflict ensure. Of course, more often than not, the victim accepts and lets go a lot of criticism or judgement against himself or herself, but when a threshold is breached, he or she does retaliate. Once there is a conflict, the perpetrator and victim both pour their energies into the conflict. The perpetrator feeds off the energy, leaving him energised, while the victim is left drained and energy less. This draining and loss of energy often translates into disease for the victim, in the long run. These diseases usually take the  form of arthritis, hyperacidity, irritable bowel, migraine, or even cancer.  The excess energy which the perpetrator acquires through conflict also causes disease, usually like hypertension, stroke or heart disease.

Of course, anytime the perpetrator turns victim, or the victim turns perpetrator, the disease profile can reverse or change.

The victim usually is seeking harmony and peace and often becomes a people pleaser, often bending and twisting to accommodate others, going out of her way to do favours, sucks up to people, and is willing to purchase the peace and harmony at a very heavy price. The victim is constantly seeking praise, appreciation and validation from the outer world, especially the perpetrator, but rarely finds it. The victim tries to please, but often lands up getting slapped. Surprisingly, the world slap is inbuilt into the word please and victims often get entangled into the please-slap cycle, further enhancing their victimhood.

What is the solution?

The conflict seeker and the conflict avoider need to become aware about their thoughts, actions and words, and realise that their respective egos are driving them in a particular direction. Both need to change their perception and their behaviour. The one who is always seeking conflict needs to soften and learn to let go and accept, and become less critical, less judgemental, more tolerant, and forgiving. The pleaser needs to up her game and stand up when necessary and stop seeking people’s validation and appreciation. Both groups need to understand that their self-worth actually worsens and does not improve, due to their respective behaviours. Both parties need to move from the pole and come towards the equator. Neither conflict or victimhood by itself has any inherent value. It is the right use of both, as and when really needed, on a minute to minute basis, that is useful in having a balanced and happy life.