When we are asked to navigate and adapt to change, different stress responses arise. These responses may be subtle or not so subtle, including feelings of contraction and tension in the body, and agitation in the mind. One type of stress response is a ‘hyper vigilance’ in our nervous systems where our whole body is more alert to potential threat. This affects our hormones, which in turn affects our emotions. And in these kinds of states it can be more difficult to access pleasure, playfulness or even creativity because the body doesn’t feel entirely ‘safe’.

In relationships we can help each other ‘rewire’ the hyper-vigilance in our systems through presence, touch and simple practices of slowing down. When we give ourselves permission to really feel what is alive in the moment, then we can begin to access sensuality and a natural aliveness. This is an energy of erotic vitality which offers a key pathway to bring greater connection in our intimate relationships. Eros is a way to open to & express the beauty & pain of life. Which is why it is important to not neglect eros during these times, even though our stress response may be to habitually shut down from feeling. Can we shift our response to choose pleasure & exploration instead?

Emergent neuroscience shows us that we always have the ability to learn and to rewire our stories and habits. So you are absolutely capable of changing whatever has become limiting in your erotic life. Tending eros requires cultivating a fresh mindset to overcome the effects of ‘familiarity’ and cultivating a sense of presence and curiosity. Ways to tend to ‘eros’ include:

• • Alone & together, use movement, breath & touch to soften your belly & release tension held in your body.
  • Cultivate pleasure for its own sake (ie. without a necessary goal of sex). This could mean regularly engaging in massage as self care and pleasure.
  • Cultivate playfulness for its own sake – a tickle fight in bed, a psychedelic adventure in nature.
  • Engage in ways outside of the mental sphere: ie. via dreams, imagination, storytelling, music and/or dance. 
  • A sense of safety and belonging in the nervous system is especially important for women’s biology. A soft, nurturing embrace can be a powerful offering to your partner. Offer her the space to simply feel her feelings, without asking her to make sense of what is going on. Just ‘hold space’.
  • Eroticism is an embodied, sensual commune with life – we learn to feel & express more. Let yourself by touched by poetry, music & writing that speaks of this commune.

Emotional intimacy is a space in which there is a unique quality of communication between two people, sometimes completely nonverbal. It’s a space of self revelation and deep knowledge of another. Erotic intimacy is a space of risk taking and trust, between the trust of what you can already rely on and the risk of discovering something new. When we are settled into a sense of familiarity with our partners – how do we keep a spark of interest alive. The ‘sameness’ can kill desire (ie. we often desire something different, not something we already have). Part of why people lose their interest in sex is because they actually lose the erotic dimension of the sex. That sense of vitality which keeps us curious.

How willing are you to risk leaning into an edge that might feel uncomfortable?

It could be a risk to ask for a particular flavour of touch (without worrying if they will reject it). It could be a risk to follow an erotic impulse without getting caught in self-consciousness.

Sometimes just a little change is all thats needed. It could be simply offering a different quality of presence to make a routine into more of a ritual. In this way we heighten the quality of the experience, Sensuality is a practice of noticing the details – the light, the quality of the touch, the subtlety, the pace, the rhythm. All of this is part of the erotic. Eroticism is a quality of vibrancy, of vitality. 

Lets be curious…… as a way to quell the feelings of stress and anxiousness in our bodies and minds.