All these self-help and spirituality pages prodding me to raise my vibration and to stay on my lane.

But what if right now, I don’t feel like helping myself?

What if right now, all I want is to talk to you?

Aren’t I supposed to stay present?

What of this moment, then?

Am I just supposed to constantly dismiss this part of the present, every time it comes up?

And, oh, how often it does come up.

Why?

I mused the other day, that I connect to my consciousness whenever I ask “why?”

If wholeness is living in duality, why must I prioritise one over the other?

If being open to the good requires that I also be open to the bad, why must I be committed to even avoiding the bad?

WHY AM I EVEN THINKING OF RUNNING TOWARDS THE BAD RIGHT NOW?

What is this teaching me?

Are you bad for me? For the Nth time, are you?

Is this a trauma response?

Is this my addictive side rearing its ugly head once again?

Time and again, life shows me how little control I really have.

Would speaking with you be an attempt to control? Is it surrender?

At this point, not talking to you comes more out of a fear of losing what I have now.

That perhaps if I slack off like this, I might lose momentum.

Is this really how this works?

Is it too selfish to want to keep this momentum?

Is it too selfish and haughty a pursuit to want to rise back up?

Why do I even consider dipping once again for you?

Why are you so inevitable to me?

I want you back. But I don’t want to lose myself again.