I am a creative and artist in recovery – artistic recovery that is! Covid and isolation has brought new doubts and thoughts about my creative work and I fear relapse in this recovery. Old fears and doubts creep in. Those old familiar thoughts . Most of my life I have struggled with fear of failure and rejection. Like other addiction struggles this is no different and there is a risk to fall back into old patterns and fears. I have struggled to be open in relationships at times and I have withheld those creative tender parts withholding and withdrawing. In the strangeness that has become our reality during this pandemic I have felt some old  insecurities resurfacing. Fear of showing up and being vulnerable .

When I find myself struggling during these times I think back to a music teacher who changed my life.  Mrs F was an old school music teacher and I believe that she was the first person to really see me and connect. As a young girl one night after a concert while sitting in her beat up Chevy she looked at me and said ” I see you and you are different, and that is okay not only is it okay it is wonderful ” I wasn’t her best student I knew that yet we had  a special relationship and connection.

This relationship was transformational. Mrs F was the first teacher or adult that really saw me and understood. The common complaint that other teachers had provided me with was that I was a dreamer and like “Alice In Wonderland” I was  lost in an imaginary world. Mrs F was the first to see me and let me know that she saw me and that she unconditionally loved and accepted me for the creative being that I was! She explained that she witnessed me come alive while performing or when music moved me.  She was also aware that I wrestled with insecurities and fear of showing up and  acknowledged that it would sometimes get in the way. She was the first to be open and talk to me  about artistic vulnerability.

Mrs F taught me about creative flow and opening up long before I would ever come to read Julia Cameron’s work. Mrs F explained the process of opening up and letting the creative juice flow through and out. She became my friend and that friendship lasted well into adulthood.

Days that I struggle and during this pandemic isolation I think of her and my creative struggles . I can let go of my ego and open up and let creativity flow. When I have doubt and fear rejection I will replay and reflect back on her words ” Kid just show up the rest is magic” Best advice I have ever taken . Today I’m showing up and I hope you do too!