Perhaps I needed the stripping away of everything to have the courage to chase anything.

I’ve never fought harder for my dreams.

And now I think I know why.

I always had an excuse, something that I allowed to tether me to time and space, not allow me the freedom to roam about the cabin, as it were. It was always the same ropes I used to tie myself down: I have a husband, or family and friends I can’t leave, or a “secure” job…

So when I got divorced, then laid off, and this quarantine happened, I realized I have no more excuses. I am at the point where I get to choose how I start over, how I transform into the butterfly.

Did you know butterflies are complete goo when they are in the cocoon? I was in my goo phase.

I’ve been here before.

It’s funny, after the divorce, when selling the house, I remember being filled with massive anxiety: “What if it doesn’t sell for awhile and I’m stuck paying both the mortgage and rent—among other bills for both residences?” I had signed a lease before the house sold, but was in no position to support both.

In this headspace of worry and anxiety, I also remember thinking that I should trust that everything will work out—and thankfully, it did—better than I could have imagined, actually. Fortunately, the house sold in less than a month and over the asking price. So, I had to ask my past self: Why, exactly, were you anxious? Oh, that’s right—for no reason! (But hey, that’s worry for ya!)

Now I’m feeling that anxious feeling again, but this time it is in the realm of my dreams, my career. As someone who was recently laid off, I saw it as an opportunity to once again trust The Universe that it will all work out. To deeply, passionately, and unapologetically pursue what sets my soul on fire.

To quote Howard Thurman:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

The excuses were killing me and my spirit, but my excuses had all run out: I am a single, childless, a nearly middle-aged woman without a job. I have nothing to lose.

It was time to leap.

No wonder in recent weeks my yard has been filled—to an insane degree—with grasshoppers…and butterflies. I even saw four rabbits on my walk yesterday. I never see that many.

I saw the signs, and now I’m trusting that something great is around the corner. I’m going to feel the fear, and do it anyway.

Might as well jump…