Warning: f-bombs and more salty language ahead!

I’m sure all of us get down to the nitty-gritty during “girl talk.” 

I have heard the horror stories, the stories that make me want to crawl into a bush and hide from the awkwardness, and the stories that make me so mad I silently wonder if I have a tiny murderer in my veins. 

There is probably some cardinal rule being broken when we spill the beans the way we do, but I guess, in a way, this article’s admission of it gets us off the hook? Boys and girls, now you know (so don’t act like assholes).

It’s probably obvious that our discussions typically revolve around the crazy circus of the dating world: heartbreak, gaslighting, arguing, name-calling, new sex positions, weird sex positions (trust me, we hear it all), ex-girlfriends to stalk, text responses to the latest man-friend to craft, the status of our hormones, our nipples, our butts, your butts, and pretty much anything about a penis there is to talk about.

It’s a wild, wet, clumsy ride!

So, I decided to compile a list of personality traits that are obnoxiously evident red flags (to me), but most people don’t want to see. 

May this quirky set of “no-nos” help you on your journey through intimacy. Strap in (or strap-on, if that’s your thing) because it’s going to be a bumpy fucking ride:

1. They don’t know how to use chopsticks.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. What the fuck is this girl talking about? 

Hear me out; my husband is the one who actually thought of this one (bless his judgmental heart). But his line of thinking makes a little sense. He said that someone who doesn’t know how to use chopsticks is probably not adventurous—they aren’t willing to try new things. I guess, in my hubby’s eyes, sushi is exotic? Personally, I think the point is that using chopsticks is a generally simple, common thing to do, and someone who isn’t up for a little foodie adventure is probably not his speed. This talent speaks to their openness to life. 

(Obviously, I can do magical things with my chopsticks. Wink!)

2. They won’t admit they don’t know how to use chopsticks. 

This might seem a little contradictory, and that’s because it absolutely is. This is my rebuttal “no-no” to my husband’s idea.

You see, I have friends who are vegan, gluten-intolerant (supposedly), cleansing, or whatever the cool kids call it nowadays. To me, it doesn’t matter if they can use the little wooden pokers. I care if they are humble and goofy enough to admit that they don’t have the know-how. 

I am the queen of unhealthily high personal standards, so I always pay extra attention to the moments when I am a stubborn ass and don’t want to ask for help or admit that I am struggling. 

And that is why I am hyper-aware of it in others. 

Plus, humor is hot! It’s way more fun to goof around and teach someone how to use chopsticks rather than watching them fumble and finger the wooden devils. It shows that they have enough confidence in themselves to say, “I don’t know.” That is some Brené Brown level vulnerability, and mama likes! 

3. They treat servers like shit. 

Does this even need an explanation? Listen, I worked in the restaurant industry for a while, and those people work their asses off. If you go out with someone and they are rude to the staff, run. That’s it. 

That is a toxic, narcissistic, bullshit sandwich and listen, honey, it’s going to bite you in the butt.

4. They are overly close to certain family members.

I would like to preface with the fact that I am Italian. If that doesn’t mean anything to you, let me clarify: I absolutely love my giant, loud-mouthed family. 

Still, I am adding this to the list with timidity because I don’t want it to be taken the wrong way. I am not saying that you should bolt if they like to hang with their family. 

I’m talking about grown men who shower with their sister or have a strangely attached mother. (Or they are the one who is strangely attached.) 

Again, this should be obvious, but it’s easy to make excuses when we want to be in love. 

So, I’m here to tell you that if they talk on the phone 30 times a day, or make weird comments like “if we weren’t siblings…” it’s time to bounce. Dip. Throw in the towel. Wave the white flag. Whatever you do, just run the fuck away from this fiery red flag.

5. They tell you to “relax” or “lighten up” when you are frustrated by something (even slightly) racist, back-handed, or passive-aggressive. 

Alright, my friends, this is probably the most important one. It is a giant, steaming pile of no.

There is no fucking reason it is ever okay to be shut down like that. If someone says something unjust, hurtful, manipulative, or even implies any of those things, and your partner tries to tell you to be quiet…run. Run far away from that person. 

Firstly, you don’t want to be with someone who allows it, or plays into it. And secondly, if they do it now, it will only get worse. That is like patting a donkey on the butt and saying, “Okay, sure, you can make an ass out of me.” 

It’s always easy in the beginning to want to overlook these things because we have prosciutto over our eyes (my Nana’s version of rose-colored glasses). Don’t let yourself fall into a cycle of emotional abuse—get that meat out of your face in every damn sense of the phrase!  

If any of these things struck a chord, I could honestly say I mean no harm, but I come with years and years of stories combined from the women around me. This is real-ass shit. And these things really do happen to our friends and loved ones. 

Whether it’s girl-talk or an article on Elephant Journal that steers you away from a path of emotional destruction and heartache, I’ll take it. And I’ll talk about it—even if it’s vulgar, messy, and uncomfortable.