I am invisible even to you? Correct?? I utter these words, as my continuous tears gets washed off in the shower. Since I have no one to pick a fight with, I choose Him, as always and as usual He gives me the silent treatment, which I kinda have gotten used to. My questions however, went on. 

Why am I stuck in these ruts of emotions? This whirlwind again and again?  Will these voices ever stop? People say your life is a reflection of who you are. You think I’m bad, that is why I deserve all these, don’t you? That is why my life is not like hers, or his or them? You too think I don’t deserve a good life like everyone else. Correct????!!!!!!!

My emotions are doing a roller coaster. I swiftly move from self-pity, to rage, to guilt, to resentment, envy. Everything! My questions too were getting rapid, in between tears and silent gags. And just like that, I was in the black hole once more. Will I ever see light again, I wondered?

I dried up and dressed and got out. Oops, I almost forgot the masks. Happiness, strength, courage, yada,yada,yada; I quickly put them all on and modulated my voice and forced a twinkle in my eyes in replacement of the tears. Looked up at the mirror, the eyes refused to play along, but otherwise I was good to go; to boil the milk, to wake the boy, to face another day.  

This is the sort of thing I used to write, to keep me going, to keep me sane.

Fortunately, that is not where I am, but where I was. During that period, I was in isolation, away from most things, especially the social media and if people were to see me, they would not have guessed anything amiss, because as I mentioned, the amount of masks I wore, pretty much hid everything.

I believe, many of us can relate to this, hence why, despite knowing it’ll cause a stir in me, recalling those moments or that I may be judged, I am penning this down and sharing the excerpts of my journaling notes. I shared, in hope that it reaches out to anyone who needs to read and know that it is okay to be stuck in the dark hole. Do not judge yourself for whatever that is going on in your head and heart. Who’d thought, someone with a signature smile like mine, would have had such ugly thoughts and mess to deal with.

I held on to my writings, poured out what I couldn’t say to others and found solace in that. I became my own companion, but for many years, I was a bad one. I judged, I second guessed and I kinda hated myself for being weak, for being ‘bad’, for being ungrateful and I constantly told myself, I deserved whatever I went through. I was my own toxic person, and sometimes it did overspill to others.

If you are this too, or have been, trust me. It is okay. You are not bad. You’re human. We all have been in the dark hole and if we allow, we can get out of it.

I am glad I had an outlet – I still do and I always will. Because otherwise, I wouldn’t know how else to hang on, till I find the light.

The contents now speak differently though, because I know that HE wasn’t giving me the silent treatment, it’s just that I was refusing to look or to heed at HIS answers; HIS answers didn’t match what my ego wanted to hear. The moment I changed that; the crumbling began. Destroy the ego and rebuild with love and trust.

I thought writing was my coping mechanism, but actually it was my healing tool. As I wrote, it got me closer and closer to myself; I transformed into a good companion. A lot of unfolding happened, truth revealed about me and the things I needed to know; some to accept, some to be responsible for; some to change; some to forget and let go. I was my own best friend. I supported myself wholeheartedly as I went through mental, emotional, physical and spiritual transformation.

I was kinder to me, loved myself more and slowly I began to heal. It is a journey, tough one, yes and I’m grateful to have made it out of the black hole.

And so can you.