The fairytale that I once thought was supposed to be my forever, was just a glimpse into a world that I didn’t fancy being a part of. It took me a while to let it register though. ‘Realization’ is a funny thing. It takes its time, and finally knocks when we have already undergone a decent amount of suffering.

The whole charade of him playing my prince charming and me being his damsel, was far from reality. He was no Prince and I was no damsel. My first ‘commitment’ experience was very different from what I ever imagined it to be. The alterations I was expected to make in my life were not worth losing my dignity or sense of self worth. But guess what, I still entertained the craziness. For a while I let myself believe that all this made sense. That those small and apparently insignificant changes that I was supposed to make in my life meant nothing in the greater scheme of things. He was so convincing in justifying his insecurities, conveniently blaming his possessiveness on past lovers who apparently let him down. His concerns about me speaking to any other male, even in my family, sounded so genuine that instead of feeling claustrophobic I began to feel loved. His controlling nature and suspicion didn’t worry me so much in the beginning. It all seemed to be a part of his great ‘love’ for me. Somehow it sounded reasonable when he made me promise not to be in touch with my male friends when I went back to college next month. Somehow I was okay with not living my college life normally and even cancel on plans with my girlfriends because he didn’t trust them.

Yes, I was in second year of college. How I ended up getting engaged to a man 7 years elder to me, is beyond me. But it all seemed right in that moment. Our attraction to each other was instant and the chemistry was undeniable. I mistook this for a sign that he was ‘the one’. Yes the love was real and probably as deep as they talk about in movies. But what maybe real may not always be right for us. This epiphany, unfortunately, came a bit later.

The feelings I once possessed for him overpowered me to the extent that I was beginning to lose myself.

I thought I could make him happy, and at one point that was all I wanted. I thought he needed me and that drove me towards the limit of my patience. However, he also drove me towards the edge of the cliff that was my self respect, and if I went any further, I could lose it forever. The endless accusations of cheating on him, just because he felt like weaving up bizarre stories in his mind, were not so cute anymore. The long distance and frustration didn’t justify my constant character assassination that I did nothing to deserve.

I still remember that night when I finally gathered enough will and courage to walk out of the web of lies and manipulation. Yes I was being manipulated. I was being lied to. When reality hit me, I wasn’t just hurt, I was shattered. I had read about this phase, of shattering and rebuilding oneself. It all sounded cheesy till I actually got to experience it and it finally made sense to me. The ‘new me’ wasn’t about to let anyone dictate anything to her. I was forever going to live life on my terms and never letting anyone change me or tamper with my social life ever again.

Mental recovery is faster. Mind knows what needs to be done. What takes an ample amount of time to heal is ‘the heart’. The unfaithful heart that should not be so broken, considering, I was saved from severe damage. It should be delighted for me. It should celebrate with me. But it chose to remain in mourning for several months. The memories didn’t help it’s case either. While, professionally I was blooming, the heart was in physical pain. Again something that always seemed so cheesy in those songs and movies. But yes, there was physical pain in my despair. The grief doesn’t go away that easily. The process of rising above it was ugly. But not endless. It had to end one day.

He had introduced love to me when I expected it the least. He made me feel things I thought I wasn’t capable of feeling. But he also tainted those emotions for me and now I am forever scared to revisit them.

The worst part is, he did all those things not because he wanted to hurt me, but was afraid of being hurt himself. His history of heartbreaks and betrayal had nothing to do with me. But ofcourse he didn’t know any better. He didn’t know how to trust me or treat me better. He didn’t have it in him to be able to let go of the sceptisim that had taken refuge in his mind.

The chaos he brought into my life, was however, a stepping stone towards me becoming an evolved version of myself. So I do (secretly) thank him for contributing towards who I am today.

I ended up meeting my husband a few years later. Learning from my mistakes I decided to prioritise mental compatibility over everything else. And though we both were fragile and vulnerable at that moment, we learnt to grow together. We continue to evolve together, not just as partners, but as individuals. I ended up with someone who facilitates my growth, treats me as equal, and encourages me to be my best version. He trusts me unconditionally and has never expected me to change one bit. Before meeting him, I didn’t know men like him existed. Who could trust their partner so blindly and support their professional endeavours so enthusiastically. I never knew this definition of love.

Now, I thank my stars everyday that I didn’t get to live the fairly tale that I once thought my life would be. Because what I am living now is a reality, and so far I like it better. I have control over my life and I like myself much more now. I know myself more now. And I can definitely live with myself forever…