Crappy relationships can’t be “fixed.”

Health, money, and lifestyle are important, but they won’t mean as much if you don’t have healthy relationships with friends, family, or partners.

Those things won’t hold much value if you’re still trying to save your marriage or find your soulmate (or have any loving relationship) and you’re not able to.

Maybe you’re in a bad relationship; perhaps you’ve tried arguing, ignoring him, and sometimes even threaten to leave him, and none of it has worked. He frequently goes out with his buddies after work before coming home.

Maybe he agrees to do something you asked, doesn’t do it, gives excuses, and then promises to do it next time. Maybe it’s a whole host of other frustrating behavior as well.

Or maybe you’re single because you can’t find a guy worth being with. 

Or when you do finally start dating, he calls you at the last minute, expecting you to be available. 

Or, after several dates and shared intimacy, he tells you he’s not ready for a relationship. Ugh.

So, here you are, wondering how, as an intelligent, successful, and independent woman, you can’t seem to be in a loving relationship with healthy boundaries. I’ve been there way too many times in the past. 

I know you; I feel your pain.

Maybe you’re thinking something along the lines: “I must be doing something to upset him, so I need to figure that out and fix it.” Or “My heart belongs to him, so I can’t help myself, even when he’s not nice.” 

Maybe it’s something like: “I need to be a more feminine type of woman—cook more, rub his back, be ‘ready’ when he comes home.”

These feelings are based on your past experiences, judgments, and biases (we all have them).

But what’s actually true is:

The only way to “fix” anyone is to change what’s not working within yourself. It’s not about being girly, sweet, or soft while wearing pink. It’s about embracing your womanhood—the messy, complicated, and beautiful parts.

It’s a beautiful thing to be in love, but you can only love another to the degree that you love yourself. Everything else is bordering on martyrdom, which should be reserved for saints.

(If you are in an abusive situation, please reach out to your local shelter, your call is confidential.)

You can give your all, bend to his will, or beg him to change, but it won’t happen until you do your inner work. Start understanding the healing you need. 

Don’t try to force it or “fix it,” focus on becoming an empowered woman who has a ripple effect on children, grandchildren, and generations of women.

So where do you start?

First, you need to be aware of what’s been going on. Being aware means: now that you’ve read this, you can look at your relationships (past or present) and notice where you might be trying to “fix” him.

Once you’re aware, accept this is what you’ve been doing. Don’t make yourself a bad guy for it; just acknowledge this is how it was. It’s like permitting yourself to behave that way; you’re not the first woman to do it, nor will you be the last.

Then allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. No need to edit, just allow those feelings.

Once you’ve allowed your feelings to rise up, you can journal, draw, write a song—give life to all the emotions around what you felt, and why you think you behaved that way—and anything else it brings up for you.

Moving through these steps empowers you to modify your behavior and improve your relationship instead of reacting from hidden emotions.

Love, Nanna 

(The one who’s been there, done that.)