This could be the story of any trailing spouse or any individual.
With globalization, we have experienced numerous families moving from their home country to a foreign land.
Although this is written from the point of view of a woman, it could very well be in the mind of a man or anyone who is a trailing spouse and has had to navigate through the repeated moves to different parts of the world. This is written not as a regret, but from a space of realization of the emotions the spouse may have experienced and felt or are still figuring out as they settle down.
My message is: instead of trying to settle down in the country, try to settle yourself down. The outside environment will adjust. I wish the best to all such wandering souls.
~
The opportunity has knocked on the door
Not for the person, but for the spouse
For them as a family unit
She is excited for him
As soon as the news lands
Her mind has cognized it as a good thing
And with it brings the “good” sensations
Nothing seems to matter
Only the future and all the good things along with it
The clothes she is going to buy
The way she will walk under the clear blue skies
She has transported herself to a completely new place
She has imagined the place to be perfect
And if she is working now—that’s no problem
She will get another job there
She also starts visualizing how she will work in the new country
All good, all good
And then the real conversations start
She begins to look at the new place
The home, the car, the job, the living expenses, the school fees
All and sundry
The numbers are important
Although she never considered the emotional effect coming with the move
She has started putting numbers to the emotional loss
The distance from family, friends, and all the known and comfortable things
Funny, because she never thought of it even once before the dream
She takes it upon herself to make the move smooth and seamless
The spouse comes through the door and
She asks, “Have they made you the offer?”
The numbers don’t look enough
The numbers are low
They are trying to fleece you and all the
Expectations you are finding mismatching
She loses focus
Focusing on the present moment and
Preparing herself for the move
She completely ignores the pressure
That she might be putting her spouse through
Oh no. That will be handled later
Now is the time to focus and get
All the things that have been put on the paper
To life
Inadvertently, she missed out on asking how
The spouse feels with what’s going on
That does not seem important at the moment
The leveraging of the opportunity
Is far more important
The entire world is capitalizing on globalization
So why not us?
At what cost? She does not have the maturity
To comprehend that at the moment
While she is with all the “goods” and the promises
She also remembers to remind herself of all the sacrifices
That she has to make: job, children
And all to support the move, “the opportunity”
She plays the supporter and the victim card with finesse
She does not realize that she is anxious
Anxious about the future and maybe
This is the first time that she will shoulder
The responsibility of the move
The responsibility of getting all settled
The focus is out
Completely forgetting to focus on the inside
That she will handle when she gets some time
The date comes closer
The move is fine
The company has taken care of it
The move has actually happened.
And the first few days are terrible
Neither is it a holiday
Nor is it a homecoming
It feels strange
She’s in a rush to settle down
Just the way she had visualized
But that’s not what’s happening
The spouse goes to work
And here she is handling the groceries,
Planning for the food, children’s schools
Planning for the property agents
And on the phone shuttling between the pot and the phone
No one to speak with
The reality sinks in
She is not liking the move at all
It is not a holiday
The only adult with her is her spouse
Who appears in the evening
Tired and exhausted
She forgets to ask
How does he feel
How is the new work environment
How is he feeling?
Even if she asks
She quickly falls into narrating her whole day
And how difficult it has been for her to get things done
Expecting the spouse to say, thank you for the support
Or a, “Well done”
Unrealistic and insensitive
But for her, she is perfectly in place
To expect that support
She does not know yet,
She is missing the point of change
She is missing the point of life.
All her dreams of walking the street in fanciful clothes
With friends and family—the job
Start to fade away
There comes a point when she starts missing
All that has been left behind
The “notional” loss
Suddenly becomes magnified
And who is to be blamed
The spouse, of course
If it had not been because of him
She would have been in her job
Had support from family and friends
Attending different parties
Enjoying life
Suddenly the opportunity becomes a pain
She swings between depression and anxiety.
She still does not know what is happening with her
She is focusing on everything outside of her
She still does not know that her brain is getting used
To the synapses
And the repeated behaviors
Are turning into a habit pattern
Unknowingly she drops
She falls into a state of a walking emotional mess
But still, the eyes are on the car, the home,
And all the material things
But no focus on the person next to her
She writes diaries of her teary stories
But misses living the present story
The present story of her mental state
The present story of life as it is happening
Her present story seems to be
That of her past life
All the goods of the past
She starts to tell the story
Of all the things she has lost
She starts suffering
With doubting herself
The story of “I have lost myself”
That story runs on the loop
With her friends and her family
The journey from a dreamer to the loser
Comes pretty quick
And several years go by running
That story from morning until night
And one day, something shifts
She opens her eyes
To all the wonderful things around her
Happy individuals around her
The famished humankind in war-torn countries
And she ignites the spirit of optimism
And most importantly, gratefulness
But the story still tugs her back
And when it does,
She brings herself to acknowledge
That they are mere stories
It is up to her to change the narrative
Oh no, she is not settling, just as yet
She is fighting through the pain
The demons in her head
The subtlety of the sensations in her mind
Becomes clear
She grounds herself in the present moment
She grounds herself in her current breath
She grounds herself with things which bring her joy
And brings to it complete mindfulness
Her heart and mind has opened up
To the sufferings of other people
She drops the judgment hat
Listening to the stories
And bringing an understanding to self and to others
Of the fact that suffering follows desires and expectations
It takes time, understanding, faith, and patience
To come out of the stories
The affirmations and other superficial things
Only build expectations and more craving
The idea is to purify the mind
And one day, the clean mind
Will eventually lead to good actions and words
Will lead her to the well-lived moments
One breath at a time.
~
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