In Brene Brown’s, Vulnerability Ted – yes she’s an adult superhero figure; her Ted Talk, which earned her the cape of, Vulnerability Ted, helps me articulate what I went through. I was drinking with my friends for a birthday party and as the night went on, we all obviously got well, drunker and as the famous saying goes; ‘alcohol exposes a sober heart’. That saying – to me- especially when, you’ve seen the best in someone when they’re sober and then see the worst when they’re drunk; makes it complex to state this so simply. It could be true, but how do you justify that terrible behavior if alcohol does contribute to us being far less filtered?

We got drunk, and suddenly I got extremely vulnerable and courageous to share my feelings from such oneness and openness with these people. I went into a full blown meltdown, and cried about everything I hadn’t had time to cry about for the last two years basically. You’ve all seen those memes, that say adulthood is needing to cry for three days but, not having time. Have you found yourself in the same position as me where three days becomes two years or even 10 years and hello, you’re finally admitting to yourself “you need help! You need professional help; Dr Phil. Maybe Dr. Phil could help your shadow desire to fill your lack of self worth with fame and you’ll get rich for a while and then probably, hopefully either end up in a real therapist’s office or back on the Dr Phil couch to get your next high.

There are things we don’t look at, because we don’t want to let it go. I watched a documentary on Ayahuasca, during the research phase of this article and in the South American traditional practice of Ayahuasca medicine, they believe the things we purge, are demons living in us. Sometimes people have a really hard time purging their demons and getting these evil spirits that have possessed them out. These caused all their shadow behaviors.

We struggle to let go because we don’t know who we would be without the concepts of ourselves we hold onto, regardless of how said concept or ego manifests in society, we won’t let go. In the spiritual community, purging just means getting rid of emotions or desires which are stuck in the body. Through meditation and breath work we can meet and feel these emotions in order to process them and let them go or just to feel better about it. Sometimes it’s easy and other times you’ll be stuck all day or even for days (maybe years; ask me) trying to understand what you’re feeling and when was the first or last time you felt this emotion in order to release it.

Some days it’s like: ‘I meditate, and after meditation all my problems are still there, Joe’ (referring to Dr. Joe Dispenza- I absolutely love and admire his work). That’s where most of us get it wrong. You think what the f*ck, I just meditated and I still have my problems, f*ck this meditation sh#t, it does not work for me. Although you still have problems, you will feel more relaxed about finding solutions. Unless it’s one of those things where you’re really feeling, I have no idea what to do. That’s where you realize this is life… The wedding vows “for better or worse, richer or poorer til death do us part” is a vow you gotta make with yourself first.

What I’ve learned from the days when meditation didn’t solve my problems, (yes there are days when I meditate and straight after I get up, the universe says hi, your order has arrived) it’s that this is part of life and at least I got me, mentality that’s going to get you through the day, bonus: the universe will probably deliver one those things by time you start feeling better. Meditation isn’t always about feeling better…some days you will do your meditation and then get frustrated, sad or angry at your reality but at least you’re feeling. So many of us numb our feelings instead. Don’t get me wrong sometimes we all need to be sedated to not kill ourselves through the,usually grieving process of what we’re going through and that’s okay.. However I’m talking about those times when you avoid and runaway from your feelings, thus abandoning yourself. Feeling is a great place to be. It’s an important place to be.

Crying as it turns out is a great release, if you don’t have access to Ayahuasca or a therapist’s couch. I didn’t stop crying nor could I stop talking about what I was crying about and finally – coming back to Brene Brown’s, Vulnerability Ted; I had a huge vulnerability hangover the next day. I had just met these people and I was ugly crying my heart out regarding sh!t they had no idea about. Usually when we have this face to face encounter with our vulnerabilities and everything we’re ashamed of that’s happened to us or that we’ve done, or been through we either decide to suppress and get depressed. If not depressed you’re probably just not a great person to be around because your energy is draining and that sucks. Or we walk into it and surrender.When we surrender from these waves of emotion, as we crash we can now conceptualize for the first time; you are the ocean. You are powerless over the fact that you create waves, yet it’s those waves you create that make you so powerful, impassioned, intense, extraordinary, fierce and great.

I surrendered to that needing to become the goo, and slip into my cocoon, to emerge as a butterfly. When a female caterpillar goes into her cocoon, male butterflies already wait outside her cocoon so they can mate with her as soon as she comes out as a, beautiful butterfly. If you’re worried that you won’t be loved when you meltdown and then transform from your meltdown; I’m sorry to tell you, people are still going to love you. Better yet, there’s people waiting for you once you’ve transformed. The beauty of being human is our free will. We can choose to surrender and transform or we can suppress and regress. The choice is really yours.

I am officially calling myself a writer. I’m also a self employed, personal trainer which means I’m unemployed and I get money sometimes. This isn’t as bad as you think because it affords me the luxury of taking creative, inspiration leave almost always whenever I need it- that means taking long breaks from society to do research about what I’m feeling in order to manage my mindset and give meaning to my feelings then create writings and fitness programs that bring me so much. After my meltdown, which felt like my insides turning into goo, I needed to stop and reassess my surroundings.

Sometimes I think who am I to (fill in the blank)? I found this quote from Terrance McKenna’s, True Hallucinations, that helps: “I stress to our youth because, I think people imagine that you can only make contributions, if you’re old and laden with degrees and that sort of thing. It’s our pure reckless, inventiveness that’s carried us further into the heart of the mystery” Many people now are unemployed. Being an unemployed entrepreneur gives me freedom of time to manage my world. Sometimes you need to give yourself time to be down. Once you surrender to powerlessness it no longer has power over you and you’re free to start transcending, ascending and growing into a different version of you. No one is on point all of the time, anyone who judges you for not being, better be fucking genuinely perfect, which is not possible. Have compassion, trust, boundaries and openness.

Always remember growth doesn’t happen overnight. Even though it takes a caterpillar, only 10 days to transform, maybe it can take you, only 10 days to understand exactly all the action steps and start implementing. The results won’t happen that fast; the fact that it takes a year to walk, two-three years to speak and you know when you know how long, for the rest… It’s fair to say us humans are a little slower than the rest of our cousins we share the planet with but it’s okay because we’re on top of the food chain. Here’s some cheese for your steak; may this be a beautiful season of transformation