depression sucks.  i am alone, even when surrounded by others, because none of them understand anything i feel.  there are those commercials on tv about “hiding behind the mask”, and that is the life i live.  people who love me are so uncomfortable with my depression, that i put on a false “me” just to make it easier for them.  it’s all so stupid.

if you love someone who is suffering from depression, don’t say things to them like, “you have so much, be grateful, be happy”, or “it’s just mind over matter if you apply yourself”, or “there are so many who love you, you are so lucky and you should be grateful”, etc….

there are so many comments, like those above that a person who DOESN’T suffer from depression will say.  and of course, they CAN say those things because if they feel blue at all, they can probably use those things to NOT feel blue.  it DOES NOT work that way for someone who suffers from depression.  i’m not talking about “feeling depressed”.  i’m talking about ‘SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION’.  i KNOW the wonderful things in my life.  i KNOW that my family loves me.  not being able to feel happy about those things, just adds guilt to the already long list of dark feelings swarming inside me.

the guilt and being so misunderstood, just create the most awful distance, even when near each other.  i’ve learned that to avoid being told those “things” from someone who doesn’t understand, and to avoid making them uncomfortable with any kind of honest feelings i mite be having….i just act how they prefer me to act in order for them to all feel okay.  but in doing that…i’m not with them at all.  i’m not with anyone.  i’m behind that mask, all by myself, not matter what they see on the other side of it.  i’m looking around a room of people who claim to love me, but who don’t want to hear how awful i feel because it makes them feel unsafe or uncomfortable or even worse?  it mite make them feel as if they should DO something in order to help me.  i’ve always thought i’m such a great a denier.  queen of denial…denying my own feelings all the time for the sake of others.  but i’m surrounded by people who deny MY truth, because they don’t want it to change them in any way.  i see so much more than they think i do.  yet i feel like they see NOTHING.

too many NON depressed people are afraid to look behind the mask.  no wonder people commit suicide or hurt themselves when they are depressed.  how long can we stand to be told we are loved, and yet remain SO UNseen?  if our truths are not acknowledged, then neither are we acknowledged.  i do not feel loved…because they are loving what i am showing them for their own comfort.  when i show them any of my darkness, they are not comfortable.  they are loving the front on the mask…not the person behind it.  i am invisible to them and they don’t understand that.  and if i’m going to remain so invisible…as if i don’t exist in their lives as my honest self….then why am i actually existing at all?

this isn’t about the fact that i’m considering suicide.  i am NOT considering that at all.  i am in the fight of depression and trying to find my way out of it.  this entry is just to state how others denial affects a depressed person.  how when you don’t reach out, it can lead to awful things.  i’ve been in this place more times than i care to admit, because i am a person prone to the octopus-like tentacles of depression that pull you down into it’s depths.  i have been in very, very dark places….and NEVER is it those around me who pull me back.  NEVER.  they don’t want to know the dark truths, and when i find my way out of the dark places, those around me never want to talk about what it was like for me either…always denial.  always move on like it never happened.   it’s always been my therapist, thankfully, who lets me be me and share the truths that are not pretty.  always my therapist who helps me find the strength to begin the swim to the surface.  but not everyone has such a helpful outlet, and when you don’t have a place to be honest about your dark depths, it’s just too much…you can drown in those depths.  and some do.  i almost have.  sometimes i WANT to, because it seems easier than the fight to get to the surface where the sun shines, and where you can BREATHE.  when others refuse to see your pain, you are alone, even if they are standing in front of you.  and it’s maddening.  sometimes when someone looks right at me, i can feel how UNseen i am, and i want to scream.  but i never do.

writing is as loud as i get.  and this is the first time i’ve written “publicly” about these things that i feel.  i’m just so tired of not being SEEN, even when it’s all ugly.  it’s still truth.  i am literally invisible in my surroundings.