Lemons into lemonade. Making the best of it. Turning things around. We have all heard about it. We have all tried to accomplish it within our own lives.

But, at what point does that kind of mentality go from positive and healthy to dangerous and unhealthy? Perhaps, even the best, most educated and enlightened of us have now engaged in dark magical thinking.

And any alchemy we think we’re practicing is toxic. It damages us and others, knowingly or unknowingly. We are all susceptible to falling into it. We believe lies, most of them self-told. Things like…

When It’s Perfect…

Way to get things off to a completely unrealistic start, huh? Perfect gets the toxic alchemy going by presenting itself as the ever-moving target, the marker of achievement, the prerequisite of the spotless setup. Perfectionism demands nothing less than a superhuman, unattainable standard. We can’t, we won’t, and we don’t achieve it. Why not? Because we’re finite, flawed, and limited by pesky things called time and humanity.

I had a family member who once heavily employed the perfectionistic mandate in her toxic alchemy. She insisted she would set up her art studio when a particular family goal was realized. And then, when it happened, she moved the goalpost.

Now, she insisted, a perfect life was all about a weight loss goal.

However, failing to realize that accomplishment for herself, she next shifted gears, creating a new obstacle: waiting for her spouse to die and “free” her of all restrictions and shackles.

Yeah.

This last bit of toxic alchemy literally had her waiting for someone to die so she could be happy.

(If that isn’t dark magical thinking, I don’t know what is).

She waited, and waited, and waited for life circumstances to organize themselves as perfect for her. Then she would do X, Y, Z. But the whole alphabet came and went. And her life passed her by. She was miserable the entire time.

There is a theory which asserts, “if you wait for everything to be perfect, you’ll never get anything done.” Anyone else out there get convicted a little bit by that?

Anyone else, under the guise of being perfect, in any way, simply using it as a cover to procrastinate? To avoid something terrifying and uncomfortable? To simply put off something we aren’t passionate about in the first place, just merely telling ourselves that we are?

Again, self-told lies are often the biggest whoppers of deception we believe concerning ourselves.

Perfect does not perfect the dark magical thinking. It’s still toxic.

When It Gets Better…

Much like the perfectionism lie, the hope of things getting better can do some major damage by having us hang onto a situation that we should have, long ago, given up on.

Let’s be real. We don’t like to think about doing that, let alone, take the action required to let go, to sever, to change. That possesses too much confrontational pain. And, unless we are sadists, most of us don’t like pain. We do whatever we can to avoid it. Procrastination, once again, pops up as a coping tool. Like the fictional character, Scarlett O’Hara, we’ll “think about that tomorrow.”

And tomorrow never comes.

And while tomorrow is failing to show up, we hold onto hope, toxic hope (how convenient), that IF this person, place, or thing just somehow, all on its own “gets better,” then we will, of course, be happy.

We believe the toxic alchemy of the external, “other” form of esteem. We give it power. We can give it our entire lives.

A friend of mine was in this predicament. She believed a career goal would answer her life. Her marriage was in tatters. She had not been to therapy to address her personal issues of low self-esteem and poor choices. Yet she clung tightly to this career goal manifesting itself, somehow, magically “making everything better.” She achieved that much-desired ambition. But her marital and personal issues were neither healed, nor solved, by it.

She still had more work to do, much to her dismay.

And that’s the universal bummer, isn’t it? We still need to do the work, regardless if we realize a goal or dream. Indeed, many of us can use that object of our desire as a distraction to deal with our lives. Yet our lives keep creeping back in on us.

Any of our attempts at alchemy won’t change that. The most it could probably do is offer a temporary Band-aid or further complicate our lives.

Either way, we cannot escape ourselves, no matter how hard we try.

It’s Not So Bad…

Magical thinking can easily turn into toxic alchemy if we harbor delusions that an unsafe or an unhealthy situation simply isn’t that way at all. How many of us have endured abuse, simply, because we’ve rationalized “it’s not that bad,” say, because we have not been beaten… or beaten “that often?”

An acquaintance of mine once stayed in domestic violence with her husband. She was beaten by him, on a regular basis, including when she was pregnant with each of her three children. Yet she told herself “it wasn’t that bad,” because her children were not struck. “Only she” was.”

“Only she was.”

As if that lessens the brutality. If she was the only person being physically and emotionally harmed, that was acceptable, in her estimation.

Yet, what she didn’t quite realize was that her children were being harmed as they witnessed the violence. That is abuse also, being a helpless bystander. That’s what children in abusive dynamics so often are: helpless, powerless bystanders.

No one got out of this unscathed. In fact, these children grew up to have issues with drugs, law enforcement, and personal relationships. One child, not altogether surprisingly, became an abuser himself.

Sadly, the domestic violence cycle has continued into the next generation.

We so often can make harmful conditions seemingly harmless; we want to see it that way. We want “happily ever after” fairytales instead of ugly truth.

But, often times, truth is ugly, and not interested, whatsoever, in our fairytale desires.

Choosing to place hope in our toxic alchemy efforts does not eradicate the harmful situation. Sometimes, it allows it to flourish even more. Damage is happening. And how much are we cosigning that, all believing something, which is devastating and even life-threatening, is “not that bad?”

It Is What It Is…

Radical acceptance.

Even when it’s ugly. Even when it’s painful. Even when it’s uncomfortable.

Radical acceptance breaks the spell we have placed upon ourselves. “Happily ever after,” yes, would be preferred. Ideal. But realistic and doable? That’s another thing entirely.

There can come a tremendous power when you and I face the dragon head on, look it in the eyes, and accept that our life circumstances are not what we wish them to be.

It’s not about defeat or resignation. It’s about managing the imperfect, which, by the way, is what you and I are doing at any given point in our lives. There is no perfection; there is only flawed reality. How we handle that reality, uniquely and personally, is often what makes the difference for us.

That should be the alchemy we employ. That, perhaps, can create a quality life much better if we do.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse