My tryst with the Big M

M for Meditation

I’ve been fascinated with meditation for a number of years now. For the same quest have tried to attend Vipassana courses twice. However, unsuccessfully.

I first registered for Vipassana in June 2015. I was all set to attend this 10-day retreat. However, major earthquake hit my home country-Nepal in April 2015, and I felt a calling to visit my country instead. Thus, I cancelled my registration.

At the time, I did not give it much thought thinking, I could easily come back to it again, next year.  But then life happened. And like everyone else, I got busy.

Fast forward 05 years- I registered once again for this 10 day beginner’s course. And lo and behold, Covid-19 gripped the world; Vipassana retreats in my city have been put on hold for indefinite period.

Once again, my dream seemed so near yet so far.

Keeping these disappointments on the side, I continued my efforts with meditation or make an act of it.

In a thirst to understand more about meditation, I’ve started devouring the internet for reading materials. In the process, I’ve  discovered Elephant Journal and have become a   big fan of this online magazine. Not knowing a right or wrong way to go about, I’ve started self-teaching myself from people’s experiences, stories and became a self guru” for the humble student that is myself.

Keeping my mind “still” is what I tried from the teachings – “chaos” is what I discovered.

Every effort I made to sit  in practice and be still, thoughts ( and sometime emotions) of  varying speed and intensity engulfed me. Before I could hold onto that one thought or emotion,  my mind would already start a new  riddle and have altered its trajectory.

And then, every so often, I also find it a  good way to just sit there and daydream. An escape from daily reality.

But something about the sitting practice has got me hooked to it and I keep returning time and again. I enjoy it best when I sit in practice early mornings or late night. I find solace in the feelings and sensations that engulfs me when I try to hone into the surroundings and settle in.

And ever so briefly, amidst all the thoughts, logics, analysis that goes on in my mind, a little space opens up, occasionally. On introspection, it is perhaps this little space that attracts me to this practice  and my return, time and again.

My mind continues to  “wow” every time I hear my father or Yuval Noah Harrari’s Vipassana experience and bow my head in a silent respect.

And till the Universe considers me ready to attend the Vipassana course finally and learn the teachings from Late S.N.Goenka, I will continue to daydream and find solace in that little space, whenever it opens up.

And the score?

Universe:  2

Me: 0