I’ve heard this complaint from men many times in my life:

“I’m a nice guy, and girls don’t like nice guys. They want an asshole.”

Guys, you’re not being rejected or kept in the friend zone because you’re nice. It’s not because you’re genuine and they want to be lied to. It’s not because you brought her flowers and she wants to be treated like sh*t.

There are a number of reasons that it doesn’t happen for you with her but I promise: none of them revolve entirely around you being the “nice guy” and her preference for assholes.

Allow me to offer you a few perspectives to consider—from a girl who has left some pretty awesome “nice guys” sitting in the friend zone:

>> Compatibility is a huge factor in whether or not relationships work. Maybe you’re not like-minded or share the same interests. Can you carry on a conversation and not get bored too soon? Do you have the same level of understanding? The same goals?

>> She might secretly be into bigger guys, smaller guys, older, younger, musicians, contractors, beards, cowboys, or even women! And you just might not be that.

>> You might intimidate her. She might think low of herself, and that she doesn’t deserve someone of your status. She may think that your qualities are outside of her reach and you should move on to someone more fitting.

>> She might not know how to accept kindness or sincerity. That doesn’t mean she’d rather accept the opposite. It just means she hasn’t reached the ability within herself to see or accept it.

>> Sometimes, it comes down to a simple vibe. Something outside of her control connects her to her intuition and lets her know: “This one’s just not right for me.”

>> She may know that she’s just not ready. She may have a lot on her plate and she wants to clean it up alone. She may not have the space to let someone else in right now.

>> Lastly, you might think you’re a nice guy, but you have subtle quirks that show up as red flags to her. It happens. We’re human. Maybe there are things that you, too, need to work on.

Sometimes, the pieces just don’t fit. Before you assume that you are less than worthy due to your niceness, remember that a woman isn’t just looking for nice and there are factors that aren’t seen by the naked eye that come into play.

It’s okay if this one or that one or even none of them have worked out, because it’s not personal. So, don’t ever change who you are for the sake of catching your chase—you’ll end up leaving yourself and that won’t feel good, either. And please, don’t insult her by implying that she actually wants to be less than loved. She doesn’t.

Sincerely,

A girl trying to help a guy out.