I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

I even wrote an article where I discussed how, quite often, “We compartmentalize our romantic brain from our lustful body. We think that it’s one or the other.” And I think it’s bullsh*t because, “Your love life doesn’t have to be either Jane Eyre or PornHub; it can be a sultry, romantic collage with every layer of your love, passion, and desires coupled with theirs.”

But I am starting to realize that there is another critical distinction to talk about. While I still hold the belief that our physical desires are essential—and, even more importantly, that they can (should) be sewn together with our emotional needs—there is still a fine line between which passions of the groin are good or “bad.” 

(Not that a steamy bedroom romp is bad, but for all intents and purposes, let’s assume that you’re reading this because you want to know if Mr. Boxer Briefs or Sir Tighty-Whities is who you want to give your heart and honey pot to—for life.)

It’s always interesting to delve into the topic of love and lust because it varies so greatly from human to human. Just as our fingerprints are one of a kind and unique, so is the recipe for our nakey-needs and heart connections. So before we start our journey to decoding lust and love, I think it’s important to acknowledge that this is just one perspective—I might be completely off base for what gets your motor going. But I also believe that these ideas about physical and emotional needs are generally true across the board.

Let’s talk about lust (the good and the bad):

There is probably a more enlightened version of this piece of wisdom. Still, I am a simple gal, and I think you’ll get the gist: When a relationship starts with fireworks and explosive passion, it usually fizzles out quickly. 

The idea here is that when we enter into a relationship or even just the courting phases, and it is solely built upon…carnal knowledge, it’s not going to have the foundation necessary for long-term happiness. Why? Because you’re just banging, silly! Love will always feel like fireworks in the beginning, but it takes a lot more than that. One day you’re going to wake up, bills will need to be paid, and you’ll be tired of the dishes left around. One of you will get diarrhea, and the farts won’t be funny anymore. As I said before, if you’re just looking for a fling and don’t intend to stick around for the real part, you’ll be fine—this doesn’t apply to you. (But I don’t think you’d be reading this if that was the case.) 

If you and your partner have great chemistry between the sheets, that’s amazing (I’m cheering you on in spirit), but that’s only one piece of the pie. And I think we all know that. We also know it’s easy to feel inclined to make excuses in the beginning. Oxytocin, the love hormone, is no joke! 

But if someone can’t see beyond the promised land between your legs—if they don’t take an interest in who you are, what makes you tick, and what your emotional needs are—then this person does not genuinely love you. The f*cked up part is that they might even think they do, and you will eat it up, because, well, we want to be loved. We love love. 

Yes, lust has a bad reputation—and in the wrong scenario, with incorrect expectations and an imbalance of other emotional needs, it is—but it doesn’t have to be the villain of your story. The inverse problem is one where you both genuinely care about each other, but there is zero attraction—you caress each other’s hearts and feelings, but everything below gets neglected. And at that point, you’re nothing more than terrific friends. 

Love is a balancing act, my friends; it’s a tightrope of touching privates and touching souls. And remember, if you have a sudden, primal itch that needs to be scratched, that doesn’t automatically mean you don’t care for the person. When you’re in love (the real one), you want to cuddle and talk, but hell, you’re also with them because they make your vagina tingle! All that intelligence and caring you fell in love with is sexy. It’s like, yes, you’re the man I love—and now I’m going to rip your pants off. 

So, alas, lust is not always necessarily sinful. (And perhaps real love even needs a little bit of it.) It’s all about the intention and the balance—because love is a tightrope.