I was ANGRY but anger is a shield we employ to avoid admitting how FRIGHTENED we are. I was frightened for so many reasons. I was frightened to love myself, trembling at the thought of where to even begin. I was frightened to unpack and address my baggage, frightened to do the work. Operating from a space of pain and resentment for my own victim thought patterns.
Self-Sabotaging.

Abusing my body with poison, starving myself to near death for years because I hated myself and thought I didn’t deserve nourishment or love. Mentally abusing myself in ways that would send someone to jail had they done it to any other human being.

The darkest caverns of my own self-pity forced me to reach for ways to numb all of my emotions which brought out an ugly DARK side deeply rooted in pain.

I was at war with myself and I was GOOD at it.

Really good.

I’d look in the mirror and say the most foul things to myself and believe them and then fight against my own cruel voice. I was my own piece of shit bully – for well over a decade! Any small moment of self-love was quickly stomped out by a voice telling me I was no good, not enough, never ENOUGH, never doing ALRIGHT. Every moment of hope diminished and I lived in this hell – just trying to SURVIVE. I was taking blows daily, stumbling back looking up with eyes of sadness, hurt, pleading for it to stop – but it didn’t. Blow after blow persisted withering my spirit.

Until one night in a life or death moment licking the floor of rock bottom, I got up and started SWINGING against it. I started swinging for hope and I stayed swinging w COURAGE. I knew from a young age that there was always something greater beyond my own understanding, a force and undercurrent of unconditional love and acceptance and that when tapped into, had the power to bring me to tears. But my own ignorance, life experiences, childhood conditioning, personal boundary violations, patterns of thinking life was just happening to me, a victim mindset: that I was the victim and didn’t have the power to CHOOSE – led me deep into the darkness, further and further from my true essence…

And then it happened….