What is it that makes some people happy and fulfilled throughout their lives, while others struggle to find happiness? 

Researchers have worked hard to answer this question for decades, and in one of the most thorough and prolonged behavioral studies ever conducted, Harvard University researchers surveyed and scrutinized a group of 724 men from 1939 to 2014. 

They arrived at a simple, yet instructive conclusion. Harvard professor Robert Waldinger, director of the center conducting the study, described it this way: “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”

The single factor that more than any other determined how happy and healthy these men were throughout their lives was the presence of good relationships. Not where they lived, not what they did, not how smart they were, and not how much money they had made.

But what is a “good relationship?” Waldinger explains: “It’s not just the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you’re in a committed relationship. It’s the quality of your close relationships that matters.” In other words, it’s not how many relationships we have—it’s not even who these relationships are with that has a real effect on our health and happiness. It turns out that we can enjoy the remarkable benefits of an intimate and supportive relationship to an equal degree with a romantic partner, family members, friends, or colleagues.

The importance of relationships is evident in numerous other studies. Globally, there is an increasing amount of research focusing on wellbeing on a national level. More and more countries are beginning to look at Gross National Happiness (GNH) as a measure of national health in addition to Gross National Product (GNP).

Some of the countries that consistently appear high on the “international rankings”—the happiest countries in the world—are Denmark, Norway, Colombia, Israel, and Australia. Why these nations and not others? Why do Israel and Colombia, with their fair share of challenges, boast high levels of wellbeing, whereas prosperous countries like the US, Germany, and Singapore do not? When researchers asked this question, they came up with one clear answer: people living in the happiest countries in the world enjoy high levels of social support. This support can be the result of strong family bonds, intimate friendships, or a sense of communal solidarity. In the happiest countries in the world, there is an emphasis on relationships.

The obvious question, then, is how can we cultivate these close relationships? 

Up until the pandemic began, any time I was asked this question I highlighted the distinction between virtual and real. I encouraged everyone to get off social media, and go out and meet people. 

Today, things are different, and many of us no longer have the luxury to choose between the virtual and the real. We’re locked up in our homes, forced to keep our distance, subject to physical isolation.

In this new world, we have to relinquish old distinctions that no longer serve us and come up with new ones that do. Specifically, instead of thinking virtual versus real, we have to think superficial versus deep.

And deep relationships are possible, even in virtual reality.

Personally, I felt tremendous disappointment when classes at Columbia University, where I taught, shifted to online. It had taken me over a month—and a handful of two-hour sessions—to feel like my class on Happiness Studies took the magical shift that I so crave when teaching, from superficial academic discussions to deep psychological conversations. When we went online, I feared this magic would be lost.

To my surprise, however, within a couple of sessions, the screen ceased to be a barrier to intimacy. 

The first steps in this new virtual territory were precarious, but as soon as one student and then another took the leap and shared what was in their minds and hearts, others provided support and then themselves followed into the deep. At the end of the semester, I shed a few tears—because I was touched by students opening up, and because our time together was over. While I would much rather go back to face-to-face interactions with my students and friends, we discovered during this period that intimacy and depth are nevertheless possible online.

In a world that has lost much of its old structures—where boundaries between work and home, in space and in time, are crumbling—we need to establish some new structures. And perhaps the most important structure in this new normal is setting time aside each day for deep, meaningful, heartfelt conversations.

If we do that, then as soon as the threat of coronavirus subsides and the walls currently separating us fall, we’ll be able to build on the foundation that we are creating now and enjoy the marvelous benefits that come from close relationships that are both deep and real.

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Tal Ben-Shahar is the cofounder of Potentialife and the Happiness Studies Academy, where he teaches online courses (see www.happinessstudies.academy).